Environmentally Friendly
by hearmelaugh
Summary: In which Kanda is a friend of the environment, Lavi can't decide whose friend he wants to be, and heavy machinery is kicked around. Nothing is simple when the most stubborn boy in the world insists on being green. AU.
1. Rainy days were made to be mad in

"Goddamn touch it and die."

The men laughed heartily, ignoring the furious glare, slapping each other on the back and pointing pudgy fingers at the slight figure. Once they stopped wheezing and caught their breath back, the foreman tugged the cord to bring his chainsaw to dangerous life and approached the line of trees.

He reached out to pat the head of the dark-haired youth with the deceptively nasty tongue.

"Get out of the way kid, we got clearance to chop them down. Go hug a tree somewhere else."

The men behind him laughed some more.

That is, until the scowling boy kicked the _roaring, spinning_ saw out of the foreman's hands, sending it flying into them.

There were a few terrified screams but no injuries, Kanda noted sourly. He knew wearing steel-capped boots would end up being helpful, someday.

He kicked the slack-jawed foreman in the gut for calling him "kid", before moving back to lean against a tree.

"I'm not a bloody tree-hugger, I'm Kanda. Try to be a macho lumberjack anywhere _near_ me, and I'll make sure to aim better when I kick heavy machinery at you."

He buffed his fingernails, and smirked.

"Now fuck off, _boys_"

* * *

"There were _six_ of you guys!"

The recently-abused foreman hung his head angrily.

"Six! And he was... You say he's some scrawny Asian kid with girly hair!"

"Do you _have_ to repeat everything I just told you, or are you going to go and _do_ something about him?"

The red-haired boy laughed, shuffling through the papers in his hand.

"Oh no, no, Mister... Macho Lumberjack" he stifled a snort, "you don't get to be testy with me when I'm the one who's got t'go 'nd pry some environmental kamikaze off a tree that _you_ should have chopped!"

"Lavi..."

Lavi laughed again. Few things caused his hyperactive mind to conjure up mental images as amusing as hearing six burly men with arms bulging with muscle being terrorised by some ninja kid with an attitude and a green streak a mile wide.

"I'll go and chat with him, 'kay? I'm just the surveyor, but I'm going t'help you. You know why, mister?"

"Why?"

"'Cos I like you, that's why. Wouldn't want t'see you get into trouble, so I'll go all psychology 101 on him! For all I know, this time tomorrow he'll be offering to clear the woods himself."

Lavi stuffed some notes into his backpack, and added sandwiches and a carton of juice he had pilfered from the fridge. Handling environmentalists was hardly part of the job description, but he was only doing this for experience anyway, and exposure to the weirdness of other people was something that money simply couldn't buy.

"D'you reckon he sleeps in the branches or something?"

* * *

"Hello! Hel-lo!"

Kanda frowned, irritated that he was interrupted right in the middle of an exceptionally gnarly Calculus question. It had taken him the better part of the day to spread his things on the plateau among the branches he had made an age ago, and when he was finally settled in and able to be productive, some other careless bastard had to come and irritate him. _Again_.

He pricked his ears, and didn't bother moving. He couldn't hear the metallic sound of heavy machinery, nor could he smell gasoline. The Irritation was an irritation, and one that he thought, based on experience, would go away if he scared it enough.

He growled loud enough that he knew The Irritation could hear, and bit out a harsh, angry "Fuck off".

Something red and incredibly maddening began blinking in and out of the corner of his eye, and Kanda turned to aim his glare. When all he could see was a shock of red hair, he reluctantly climbed lower down, coming face to face with The Irritation.

Who was actually just a boy, no older than himself, Kanda guessed, with a stupid smile and an eye patch.

He waved. Kanda the social queen flipped him off.

Lavi pouted.

"You told the other guys the same thing too. Except for obscenities your vocab ain't much, is it?"

"Either die or go away. Whatever. Just stop annoying me"

The redhead held out his hand, one that Kanda could not reach from his position on the branch, and one that he had no intention of grasping. The Irritation must have thought he was being coy or a wimp, because he started jumping up and down, fingers reaching for Kanda's loosely hanging hands.

"Stop hopping like a retarded rabbit, I'm not going to shake hands with you. Leave before I get angrier."

Because Kanda's default state was angry, and there was nowhere to go but up.

"Don't you want to know my name and why I'm here?"

"Only if you keel over and die afterwards."

"I'm Lavi! I'm a part-time surveyor, and the guy who surveyed this place and Okayed it to be cleared! I-"

Kanda didn't say a word, simply standing up to grab something in the canopy, Lavi unable to see clearly. When he tried to kick-start the conversation, Kanda made a half-growl and calmly jumped off the branch he was on to stand in front of Lavi.

He held an umbrella in his hand, the tip looking pointy and menacing, and aimed it at Lavi's throat.

"Fine. Now I know your name, and I know that you're responsible for all of this crap. Prepare to die."

Lavi tried to push the umbrella away, but rolled his eyes in exasperation when the arm that held it maintained perfect form. "I'm not going t'be killed by a girl in some freaky umbrella accident, find someone else to act out your fetish on."

Kanda was suddenly frozen solid, a body of anti-movement, and Lavi had a really, _really_ bad feeling about this.

"Hey, I was only kidding when I said you have a fetish-"

"What."

"That's what you're upset about, right?"

"I'm not a woman, you half-blind rabbit!"

Lavi prayed that he could somehow salvage the situation and avoid having an air hole punctured through his throat by the tip of an umbrella.

"I was kidding, kidding, damnit! And be fair! You haven't even told me your name, what was I supposed to think?"

"You were supposed to _leave_, idiot."

"What do you have against surveyors anyway? You can't take it out on me if some surveyor in your dark past tried to give you candy or something!"

The umbrella looked more and more menacing by the moment. Lavi wondered if he should take off his backpack and use it as shield, but looking at the other boy's unwavering stance, he wasn't sure sandwiches would be enough to deflect the... pointy part.

"You said you let those men come and clear this forest."

As if that explained _anything_. Still, the dark-haired boy hadn't lunged for his throat, so Lavi carefully turned his head, looking expectantly for more umbrella-wielding green warriors, probably as blood-thirsty as their leader.

Kanda snapped.

"What are you looking for?"

"Your mates. These stakeout things happen in packs, right? Or are they busy havin' tea in the tree house?"

A muttered "bloody fool" later, and the umbrella was withdrawn. Lavi was _obviously_ mentally out of it, and Kanda would never soil his (somewhat) good name by hurting dumb creatures. The redhead was obviously completely insane, and "surveyor" and "obscenities" were probably words he learned from some cheap-ass word-a-day calendar some pitying soul had given him.

Kanda could be said to be lacking in common sense and rationality, but owing to his I-hate-everything personality, people seldom realised that his imagination could travel quite far quite fast.

Lavi, with his multiple degrees and certified prodigal nature couldn't figure out why the whacko with the murderous aura had retreated to his tree, like a bad-tempered cross between a miffed Batman and an exasperated Tarzan.

"Oi! You nearly made me wet my pants with that umbrella thing, at least tell me your name!"

"Kanda"

_Well, since he told the other guys the same thing, I guess it's not an alias. Ka-n-da. Japanese, so..._

"Is that your _real_ name?"

"Like I would lie to a stupid rabbit."

The reply came from a disembodied voice, Kanda now back where he was before the Great Interruption, twirling his pen absently as he tried to get back to his question.

Summer holidays were over in a few weeks. He didn't have time to deal with idiots, finish his homework _and_ discourage people from destroying his favourite haunt.

Lavi pouted, ignoring the fact that Kanda wasn't looking.

"You're Japanese, aren't you? So is Kanda your family name, or _your_ name?"

"You'll go away if I tell you."

Kanda made questioning statements. He didn't just plain _ask_.

"I'll shut up."

"Yuu."

"Yes, me. Who the hell else do you think is having this weird conversation with you?"

"Fucking idiots who don't know that Yuu's a name when they ask for it should shut the hell up and die"

The rebuke was unexpected. Being smart (_fucking brilliant more like_) meant that Lavi wasn't often corrected or insulted for his intelligence, and mostly did the correcting himself, andfailing_ to realise that Kanda's Yuu and not me is... incredibly embarrassing._

Lavi put it down to clouded judgment. He was, in effect, talking to a tree right now, thanks very much.

A tree that he had vowed silence to in return for Yuu.

Lavi groaned, sat down leaning against the tree, and took out his Chemistry of Co-ordination textbook. He'd deal with Mr. Obstinate when the other went for his potty break.

* * *

A sub-topic away from loudly calling out to the other boy to tell him that his new nickname was "Bladder of Steel", Lavi closed his textbook. There was rustling overhead, and maybe Kanda would finally show his human side and relieve himself as nature intended.

A booted foot dropped like a stone, and were it not for Lavi paying careful attention to the sounds above him, Kanda would have quite happily stepped onto his head.

"You're still here."

Lavi shrugged, dusting himself off and putting his book away. Besides, this was the first time Kanda had initiated any type of contact, and he would not waste that opportunity.

"I'm supposed t'convince you t'go 'nd live in a shrubbery somewhere else and let the developers clear this place. It's not like I can send you a text message to sway you, can I?"

Kanda stopped in his tracks, before slowly turning on his heel to face Lavi.

"You're an actual surveyor."

"Didn't I already say that?"

"Not an inmate of a mental asylum."

"Whatever gave you that impression, Yuu?"

Kanda had his trusty umbrella in his hand, and lashed out so fast that it took Lavi a few moments to realise the burning pain in his ribs.

"Don't call me so familiarly."

Lavi wheezed, trying to get air into his abused lung. When he stopped seeing double, in a fit of childish revenge he swung his bag and hit Kanda's shoulder with it. The other boy looked insulted to have been dealt such a pitiful excuse for an attack.

Kanda turned and continued on his journey, completely ignoring Lavi.

"Why're you so against getting those trees chopped? If it's anything to do with global warming, help me God, I _will_ scream."

Kanda started swishing his umbrella menacingly, the sound of wind whistling past slippery plastic occupying the empty air.

"That's _my_ place."

"Not according to real estate records, it ain't."

Kanda snorted, increasing his pace. With any luck the annoying rabbit-boy would get tired and pass out.

"Like that matters. That place is mine, and no one is allowed to _touch_ it. And I don't like global warming either."

Lavi screamed, because he was a man of his word.

"Do you have some sort of deep love for trees, you anti-social maniac?"

They came within view of a whitewashed house, old and regal-looking. Lavi wondered if Kanda had decided to go on a felonious crime spree and start with breaking and entering.

"They don't fucking _talk_."

* * *

Being the kind of guy that liked knowing what was going on, Lavi had already dialed 999 on his cell phone, hand hovering over pocket for when Kanda went on a rampage, so that he could press call _immediately._ When Kanda jumped over a metal fence with dire disregard for the warning signs ("Trespassers will be persecuted", "Do not enter", "Dogs _will_ go straight for the jugular"), Lavi blindly stabbed the call button, accidentally pressing 1 instead.

"You know that you shouldn't be doing this, yeah?"

"Tch."

_They're going to need a witness to put him in jail. Reckon I should do my civic duty and tag along... And demand immunity._

Flinging his bag over the top of the fence and grinning when it landed neatly next to an impassive Kanda, Lavi gripped the fence and proceeded to hoist himself over it.

He was at the top of the fence, enjoying a feeling of accomplishment before a strong poke to his chest sent him toppling back from whence he came.

"What the hell, Yuu?!" and he rolled away quickly, barely missing the jab aimed for his eye.

"You're not _completely_ blind. No fucking trespassers." Kanda smirked, and picked Lavi's backpack by the strap, holding it the way an angler would the one that _didn't_ get away.

Lavi took that to mean that either Kanda was a career criminal and this was a familiar haunt, or the other boy actually lived in the house.

He didn't know why, but the first option seemed more likely.

"Fine, whatever, _be_ unreasonable! Just gimme back my bag!"

Kanda shouldered his prize and turned on his heel towards the house.

"I _am_ unreasonable."

* * *

Lavi sat leaning against the fence, wondering vaguely where Yuu had got to, where the supposedly-murderous dogs were, and hey, weren't those giant nimbus clouds responsible for rain-

He groaned.

* * *

"How'd you do that?"

"What?"

"Climb the fence without getting wet! It's pissin' cats and dogs!"

It was, but Kanda had his umbrella with him, the one that was like an extension of his person, and he was dry as a bone.

Lavi looked like the walking Swamp Thing, water-laden clothes dark and dragging under the weight.

"Che. Idiot"

"If I die of hypothermia, I'm going t'come back and haunt you. What the hell took you so long? Did you pause to powder your nose, madam?"

Something rectangular was thrown at him, and Lavi winced before realising it was his backpack.

"I was training, rabbit. Nobody asked you to wait."

"How am I supposed to get you to find some _other_ place to be anti-social in if I don't talk to you?"

Kanda looked at him disbelievingly.

"You're talking to me now, and it still isn't working."

"That's 'cos we aren't close yet! Just you wait, the minute you succumb to my wonderful charm-"

"I'll wear a fucking dress and sing Hallelujah. Dream on, rabbit."

"Could you _please_ call me by my name? Throw a boy a bone, at least pretend I made _some_ headway into getting you to listen to me!"

The storm descended into a drizzle that blew left and right a little before it too died, just as they reached their first meeting place.

Kanda shook his umbrella dry, before closing it. Lavi shook himself like a dog, trying to get as much water off as possible.

Straightening his black slacks, Kanda stood looking upwards for a moment before he was gone, lifting himself up to the little platform that he had, with unusual foresight, covered with tarpaulin. Hooking the plastic sheet to branches, Kanda made himself a little tent, before he took out the sushi he had smuggled out of his home. Saying a quiet thanks Kanda tucked in, completely ignoring Lavi rambling about his intellectual standing and street-cred.

He muttered a "Fucking _finally_" when the voice eventually died away, Kanda figuring the idiot had finally reached the end of his patience and had upped and left.

He _didn't_ expect the strangled scream or the sound of nails clawing for purchase on slippery bark. "Heeeeeeelllllllp!!!!!"

Kanda scowled. What would it take for him to have some privacy here? _Actual_ homicide?

An option that was looking more appealing by the second, but Kanda doubted that he'd be given any more peace and quiet if he allowed the redhead to slip and fall to his death.

"You _owe_ me, hell's rabbit"

* * *

Dragging his feet through the glass doors, Lavi barely made it to his seat before collapsing. At this point, he couldn't even care about the fact that he looked like death warmed over.

A smug grin so full so self-righteousness he could _hear_ it, and the macho mister foreman was by his side.

"Any luck, Lavi?"

The boy turned a tired green eye to face the older man. Determination to defeat that Asian Abomination would come soon enough, after a hot shower and proper dinner.

"Depends. I sold my soul to the devil, but at least he didn't drop me from the tree"

* * *

A/N: I think this chapter will be the shortest. The story was inspired by two things; the urge to make Kanda attack people with an umbrella, and the stunning realisation that he probably likes trees more than he likes the entire human race. Which is like, an _awesome_ way to gauge what kind of stuff will fill this story. Do read and review! I like knowing that I'm not the _only_ one who thinks I'm funny :D


	2. Bleed me a river, yeah?

"Yuu-chan!"

Lavi had wisely called out from behind another tree, and was rewarded when a sharp twig thrown with murderous intent bounced harmlessly off the bark. Picking up a small pebble, he threw it in the approximate direction he would have taken to walk to Kanda's tree, and was both glad and severely worried when another twig flew out of the blue to strike it. Kanda had impeccable aim for someone who wasn't even looking.

"Aww, don't be like that! I'm going t'be helping you with your work, at least _pretend_ you don't want t'see my blood become fertiliser for your second home!"

"You aren't 'helping'. You are repaying your debt. Note the distinction."

There was self-denial over one's ability to do Math, and then there was whatever celestial state of determined ignorance Kanda was in. Having been (willingly) coerced by the other boy, who had discovered Lavi's innate talent to be smart after he had repacked the contents of Lavi's backpack yesterday (distracted with internal gloating he had lost grip of the bag, sending heavy books to the ground and narrowly missing from crushing his feet, steel-toe or not) and found a Math textbook so extremely complicated he suspected even the author's name was written in symbols, Lavi had been ordered to "make it worth my bloody while not letting you die and doing the world a favour-" and help Yuu.

Pity that after being unceremoniously tossed onto the semi-tree house and allowed to peruse the Asian's previous mathematical attempts, Lavi suspected Kanda would kill anyone who dared to ask what the sum of two and two was.

With a calculator. Before brutally shoving an abacus down the poor soul's throat.

But first! Before Lavi bravely put his life on the line by demanding Kanda Yuu recite the two times table! The question on everyone's mind!

"What's with you and your umbrella?"

Kanda glared, and Lavi barely quaked. It was a scary glare, definitely, but for all his threats of murder and dismemberment, Kanda had never actually succeeded. He'd gotten worse glares, glares from people who meant it, and Kanda's was too insubstantial to be feared.

"What."

The redhead shrugged. It had been a conundrum. One got attached to a family heirloom, to a pet, to a lover. Not to an umbrella.

"I had you down as more of a sword guy, you know, what with your preoccupation with sharp stuff and all."

"I have a sword."

Tensing, taking a long moment to survey the platform with a trained eye for any place a sword could be hidden and cautiously deciding that there weren't any, Lavi retorted. "Would've thought you'd at least know the difference between a sword and an umbrella, Yuu."

Lavi greatly underestimated Kanda's barehanded attack. After the punch was thrown, all he could be thankful for was that Kanda had hit his covered eye instead of his one good one. Though the self-centered bastard probably did that because he didn't want to read the questions out to Lavi.

"Mugen's casing is being mended, idiot."

"Interested in telling me how it broke in the first place?"

Kanda shrugged and leaned back, blankly flipping through his English Lit assignment. God put Cliff Notes on Earth for a reason, anyway.

"Before your idiot company tried to tear this place down, there were a bunch of other fools. They didn't run away when they should have, and they tried to attack _me._" Kanda sounded positively insulted at the thought, though Lavi could not for the life of him imagine what was insulting about having men taller than himself lunging at him with axes and saws.

"Fucking broke the sheath when I hit through a hard-hat. Bastard's paying for the repair, and they couldn't charge me for assault, because _they_ annoyed me first."

As if being annoying was a crime punishable by the law.

Perhaps it was, under the tyrannical rule of one Kanda Yuu.

Lavi winked in mocking understanding, before nodding at the umbrella.

"Oh, I get it! That's the _other woman_, isn't it? Betcha it's the younger of the two, too!"

Kanda's face never changed from pissed-off.

"My father died using it while he was trying to flag down a taxi when my mother went into labour with me. A car skidded in the rain and mowed him down. Get the fuck away from me _now._"

Lavi stared at him for a moment, then moved with great precision exactly two inches away.

"There. Sorry I said that. My father, and really Yuu-chan, I hesitate to use the word, he'd already left when dear old mom gave birth to me, so I don't know how to say sorry for... this. Now you math illiterate Du-m-bo, let's start with this one..."

And Kanda would have shoved him off the tree and staked Lavi's dead body to his tree as a warning to anyone else who tried to intrude in his quiet place, he really would have, but Lavi was two inches further away than he was before, and like that Kanda couldn't quite reach him.

Just... Not quite.

* * *

A new day, brimming with opportunity and promise, yet it _still_ took Lavi 30 minutes to convince Kanda that it was _not_ the textbook that had gotten the answer to the question wrong. Rather, the one who had managed to twist the calculations so mind-bogglingly badly that the final answer bore absolutely zero resemblance to the actual answer, was Kanda. It had taken a further 2 hours before the problem was finally solved.

"It's just that... you know how to use a cal-cu-la-tor, yeah? Well, 13 squared is _not_ 26 whatever way you look at it Yuu-chan."

"Don't call me that!"

Lavi shrugged, scratching his head absently.

"I will if you'd stop insulting me, but that's not going t'happen is it?"

The other boy ignored him and went back to scowling awesomely at the question. While most people would quake in terror at the sight of a scowling Yuu, mere ink on paper held their own and refused to be bullied into letting Kanda win.

Though how the boy had even been qualified to take Calculus probably had something to do with his fearsome factor.

"Why'd you even take something you can't do?"

And he was hit over the head with the umbrella (the one they wouldn't talk about again. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever. They weren't _friends_).

"What the fuck do you mean, "can't"?"

"Yuu, you don't get to be old enough to watch dirty movies and _not_ know how to square things!"

Kanda violently jabbed a pen into his hair, securing the bun he had made to cool himself off in the afternoon heat. Lavi winced in sympathy for the pretty blackness.

"Tch. Just because I'm not like a fucking _god_ at some useless counting like an idiot rabbit that bothers me, doesn't me I _can't_ do it. People keep asking for the subject as a qualification, and I _will_ be qualified."

And Lavi was about to wonder why Kanda the hater of mankind was thinking about work _now_, and was about to think that he really _was_ a soft, loving-type boy underneath all the jabbing and death threats, before Kanda continued.

"_When_ I graduate with an A for it, then I can shove my fuck-perfect resume down their little throats."

Kanda smirked like he was the most intelligent, most righteous person in the world for coming up with _that_, and Lavi lost all hope for drawing the line as part-time tuition teacher cum surveyor.

How could anyone resist uncovering the brutally violent enigma that is Kanda Yuu?

Anyone?

Lavi grinned as he patted Kanda's head and jumped off the tree, hitting the ground running for his life.

It was just _too_ much fun.

* * *

"What's this?"

The foreman flipped through the pages, briefly reading the odd paragraph or so.

"It's my resignation letter". Lavi grinned, teeth showing. "Effective immediately."

"Why?! You're the best we have, and school doesn't start for weeks!"

The redhead shrugged, still smiling crookedly. "I've learned everything 'bout it already, man. I just met someone who's waaaaay more entertaining, doing something that I don't have any experience in. I've got t'branch out, you see."

The other man groaned, and massaged his head.

"It's that psycho protester, isn't it? He threw something at your head, and now you're all concussed and confused. Since you're obviously insane, I reject-"

"Reject it and I'll burn down your office just so you'll fire me. Face it, I've gone over to the dark side."

"But you've okay-ed bloody _miles_ of land to be cleared! What do you know about being an _environmentalist_?" The man nearly spat the word, the bane of a lumberjack's existence.

"Nothing, that's the point. Plus my new boss, y'see, he's really, really... _interesting._"

And Lavi couldn't _wait_ to pry apart the mechanical iceberg that Kanda was and poke at the bits that made him tick.

* * *

"It's such a bee-Yuu-tea-full day!"

"One more pun, Lavi, and you die," said Kanda, scoring a mark into the bark of the tree, the latest of many that had cropped up since Lavi began _irritating_ him full-time days ago. The lines of scraped off bark were a countdown to the end of Kanda's patience and Lavi's life, but being around Yuu made Lavi feel incredibly reckless, a rousing do-or-die attitude to Kanda's permanently foul one.

He ignored the threat.

"Y'know, the tree's probably cryin' inside 'cos you're scarring it like that, Yuu."

"He won't die."

Lavi turned to scrutinise Kanda, flat on his back, head propped on an elbow, eyebrow raised in confused interest.

"_He_, Yuu-chan?"

"Don't call me that, idiot. And it _is_ male, because no man who lives by the warrior's code would _sit on a woman_."

Lavi stared.

And laughed and laughed and laughed, because Kanda was obtuse logic at its most becoming.

"Shut up, you don't know everything."

"Yes I do!" Not really, but compared to _Kanda_ Lavi did. "For instance, Yuu, do you know what tree this is that you've made your HQ on?"

It was warm and breezy and lovely, so Lavi waited for Kanda to huff and puff and blow his bandanna down, so that he could laugh even harder and know Yuu even _better_.

Kanda crossed his arms and smirked.

"Of course I do, idiot lagomorph"

Kanda knowing botanical facts was only slightly less scary than Kanda knowing 1) how to _say_ lagomorph, and 2) that his pet name/insult for Lavi was _not_ a rodent.

"Yuu, didja check a dictionary just so y'can come up with more cute names for me? I'm flattered!"

And Lavi got hit again, because Kanda didn't like being interrupted. And lagomorph wasn't cute by any account, but for Lavi, it was about the _principle_ of the thing.

"Right, right, excuse me, your frigid-ness."

Lavi was getting _really_ well acquainted with the side of the umbrella.

"Ouch! Fine! What's the tree then?"

"This," said Kanda in his smuggest tone, "is _Kanda Yuu's_ tree."

And Lavi really couldn't help himself from laughing so hard that the pain in his stomach hurt more than the bruise Kanda had left on his cheek.

"You know, to show my appreciation for Yuu, I'll bring along a lil' something tomorrow to further your cause! Ever heard that the pen's mightier than the sword? It's also a lot more legal, and if y'want t'be a proper environmentalist, there're things you have t'do! Like get publicity, and stuff. I'm not working with the guys any more, y'know, so I can't warn you when they'll come, so we have t'have people rootin' for us to keep this place!"

"There is no "us", idiot. There's me protecting my territory, and you the Pain that Will Not Go Away."

"I feel the love Yuu, but I'm going t'have t'turn you down! We've only known each other for a few days, and I'm too young and gorgeous to be committed-"

"Die rabbit, die."

* * *

Lavi flashed the store assistant his most charming smile, and the girl blushed.

"Hey miss! D'you know where I can get lots of card and wide-tip markers?"

"Oh! Is it for a school project?" The woman began walking towards an aisle where the stationery was set, and Lavi grinned even wider.

"Nah, 's more of a personal project of mine."

* * *

"What is this crap?"

Kanda's eye twitched slightly, but Lavi looked as proud as a child who had succeeded for the first time after months of intensive potty training.

Kanda looked like the parent of the child _prior_ to his success.

Taped artistically to trees, hung artfully from branches, weighed down thoughtfully by rocks, were placards that ranged in size from the area of a postcard to the size of half a dining table, colours in every distasteful shade known to man, from puke brown to eye-gouging lime green.

Slogans ranging from the wimpy ("Please save the trees") to the obscene, and not-so-coincidentally Kanda-approved ("Get the f*** away from here, f***er")

"I even bleeped your swearing! I called a friend of mine, she works for Channel Nine, and she said if the investigation into the missing Persian cat doesn't pan out, we can get a slot for tomorrow, so make sure you dress nice, yeah?"

Lavi tapped his nose.

"'cos Puss is stayin' with me, and the owner'll get her back the minute the nation sees our lovely mugs on T.V!"

"You're insane."

"It's called genius, Yuu-chan, _genius._"

* * *

The day had looked like it would continue like the many that had preceded it, Lavi using his best horse-whisperer voice to teach Kanda without the other boy going into a rage and murdering everyone in sight.

As Kanda always packed food from home and _never_ shared, Lavi was halfway through eating his carton of Chinese stir-fry when they heard the distinct rumble of heavy machinery, gentle tremors shaking the tree they sat on. Kanda grumbled something about clueless idiots, grabbed his beloved umbrella and shoved his way off the tree past a staring Lavi.

"What did I tell you bloody idiots last time?"

"We have a schedule to keep, you hard-headed brat, we're doing actual _work_ instead of obstructing other people just because we _feel_ like it!"

The sound of the tractor came closer, and Lavi tensed. He would know the foreman's voice from _anywhere_, and the man sounded completely pissed off. No doubt he had been chewed out for the delay, and desperate men are dangerous men.

He would stay put in the tree. If Kanda was going to go all flying-ninja-warrior on the men, he didn't want to be in the fray and within range of his booted feet.

A loud scuffling ensued with plenty of curses, Kanda growling low in his throat the whole time, the furious sound enough to make even Lavi flinch. The familiar _thwack_! could be heard with astonishing frequency, meaning that like him, several men were being acquainted with Kanda's umbrella. Repeatedly. With much insistence. And reluctance on the men's parts, if the groans were any indication.

"Read the fucking signs before you come and _annoy_ me," was accompanied by the sound of card tearing, presumably because Kanda had shoved someone's head through it. Lavi appreciated the mention.

He climbed to a lower branch to get a better look, curiosity killing caution off with a glare.

The men had retreated behind the tractor, flinging wrenches, water bottles, helmets and any other heavy thing they had at Kanda, the Asian boy swatting them out of the way like a baseball player. Lavi was _about_ to shout his support before a wayward screwdriver hit him square in the temple, pain blooming like an atomic bomb from the point of contact.

It hurt like hell. It hurt as much as when his eye-

Lavi screamed his mind-numbing paranoia, and time stopped.

For all of a second, because now Lavi could see Kanda looking at him, and the man looked shocked into motionless-ness.

Lavi was smart, Lavi was bleeding, Lavi lie quickly now.

Raising the pitch of his voice an octave or so, and using his best hurt-voice (it was a blessed blessing that the men couldn't see him, or else they'd see through the lie) he shouted out.

"Brother, I'm bleeding! Why're they throwing things at you, you can't even drive yet! Kanda, where's mom? She said I have to tell her when people bully you!"

He added a sniff for good effect, cradling his aching head, grateful for the fact that Kanda kept his face expressionless, allowing him to lie to his heart's content.

You just hit a kid and tried to beat up his underage brother, man. If I were you, I'd scram.

The men paled, even with blood on his lashes Lavi could see them, and Kanda turned to glare at them, looking like the God of War took lessons in looking menacing from him.

"What the _fuck_ have you done?" he hissed, and quick as a pained breath, the men were running, off, off and away, and Kanda was pulling himself up to see to Lavi.

"Told'ja words beat violence any day, Yuu-chan!" And it was easy to not be the scared, screaming-Lavi now, when the pain was just a bloody throb and the memories weren't prancing in front of his good eye, and Kanda was curiously prodding his wound.

"You look like crap, rabbit".

"Why thank you. I parted my hair differently today."

Kanda jumped off, and brushed himself off.

"Come on, idiot."

The redhead shrugged and leaped off, landing awkwardly, immediately falling to his knees. Kanda didn't offer to help him stand, instead taking out a pen from his pocket and scribbling on a placard ("Destroy the Environment and God will Punish You!" Lavi the staunch atheist had felt a bit religious while writing it), crossing out the "God" part and inking in "Kanda". In neat, angular script he added, "Leave your name and address. Fucking touch anything, and prepare to be hunted."

Lavi laughed when he read it, handkerchief pressed to staunch the flow of blood. He looked like a mutilated carcass, and Kanda looked like he was annoyed to have to help the somewhat crippled.

They followed the same path that first day they met, Kanda striding with dire disregard for Lavi's impaired vision. The only difference was this time, instead of climbing the fence Kanda circled it, Lavi following like a puppy (who happened to be perfectly capable of remembering the way they had got there before, and oh, that tree was two-and-a-half inches shorter last time 'round) until they came to a small gate.

Kanda looked for the keys, reaching into his coat pockets, venturing into his pants before he finally found them. The gate was swung open, Lavi shoved unceremoniously in before Kanda locked it behind him.

They marched towards the house, Lavi tense.

"Does this mean we're friends or something, Yuu?"

"This means that I hate you marginally less than I hate other people. Think what you want."

Lavi frowned in thought.

"Since I kind of saved your butt, and said butt is quite a nice butt, and you're so one of a kind you're a special kind of special, I'd say we're friends. Nice to meet you, social fuckwit! I'm Lavi, really smart, really nice, and really a redhead. I've got more degrees than you have nice thoughts, and 6 of those are in languages you couldn't pronounce even if I possessed you and tried using your mouth."

Lavi would have winked, but being one-eyed left only the option of mischievous blinking.

"Yuu, last name Kanda. Hate everything. And if you don't shut up, I'll make you bleed on the gravel then make you wash every single grain."

"You didn't savage me for calling you a social fuckwit!"

Kanda scowled and unlocked the front door.

"I'm saving a grudge for later. You might die if you lose any more blood, idiot."

* * *

"He's not here. Come on, hurry the hell up Lavi"

Poking his head through the door warily, expecting at any moment for small clones of Kanda to come running at his family jewels swinging umbrellas the way dear ol' big brother did, Lavi was surprised to see that the interior of the house was white and cheerful looking, flowers in vases everywhere.

He hadn't really put much thought into what the house would look like, but he somehow expected... bloodstains.

And black, vast quantities of it, enough to put a mortuary to shame.

Not flouncy white lace curtains, and colourful paintings and photos.

Lavi gawked at one.

"Yuu! Your mum, she looks nothing like you! And who's the creepy old guy with the glasses?"

"Stop poking into my private affairs unless you want to lose your other eye, rabbit. What, did you think there're lots of blue-eyed boys in Japan?" Kanda snorted, walking towards what Lavi guessed was the kitchen.

"Yeah, well, I always assumed your eyes actually were black, only me bein' all poetic and stuff, and half-blind too, that's why it looked blue-ish. And the old guy?"

"My uncle, this is his house. If you see two more idiots smiling like they broke something in their jaw, those are his adopted kids. One's blind, and the other sucks at any kind of social conduct."

It was proving to be quite an educational trip. Being careful not to let on that he was looking around, and pleased that he'd neglected to mention his photographic memory to his "friend", Lavi curiously sorted the people he saw into the compartments Kanda had provided.

"How come you don't live with your mum?"

The other boy paused, now in the kitchen, rummaging in drawers.

"My mother gets nervous looking at me, because I'm the fucking splitting image of my father. So my thoughtless, air-headed uncle is my guardian. Shut the fuck up and stop prying, Lavi."

Ah. Estranged from his mother, eh? Didn't all little boys have an irrational love for their mother? Freud, or Lavi's drinking buddy in his Urdu class had said that. It _kind of_ explained Kanda's fuck-you-all behaviour.

He was deprived of love!

While busy congratulating himself over his brilliant reasoning, Lavi had failed to notice Kanda approaching with a vicious smirk and a bottle of disinfectant-

-that was half poured over his face as Lavi shouted and spluttered, the medication burning where it met flesh.

"What the hell, Yuu?!"

"This is my grudge. Get that filthy handkerchief off, I want to see if I can see your skull through the hole"

Lavi grumbled and pulled it off, making a face as Kanda peered dispassionately at it.

Cotton swabs roughly brushed against the wound, removing the blood, dirt and excess disinfectant, before Kanda snorted to himself. Lavi was mildly surprised that Kanda had not just thrown gauze at him and left to terrorise small creatures in the garden.

Maybe he simply didn't want to bother getting rid of Lavi's body should he die of an infection.

Some smelly cream, and then Kanda pressed a cotton pad to it, briskly wrapping Lavi's head with gauze.

"It's nothing bad. God, the way you'd screamed I though it had gone through your eye or-"

"Not exactly possible Yuu. Somethin' else'd already did that"

Kanda glared at him.

"Don't think I'm interested, Lavi, I'm not, but what the hell happened to you?"

"It's all very top secret, Yuu, really can't tell you, couldn't even tell my wife, not that I have one, but yeah... Good thing you're not interested!"

Kanda calmly removed a kitchen knife from its holder, a monstrous cleaver with a blade that glinted. Flipping it nonchalantly, he didn't even look when he caught it in a careful pinch between thumb and forefinger. He flipped it into the air again and caught it once more, repeating it like some sort of macabre circus performance.

"Tell. Me."

If Kanda was less skilled in imparting hurt via inanimate objects, Lavi would have ignored the threat. However, Kanda's sadistic prowess being what it was, Lavi had full faith that Yuu could tear another hole into his ear _without committing murder_.

Lavi would pierce his own ears, thanks kindly.

"Seriously-"

"Tell me, or I'll set the dogs on you. Trespassing rabbit."

"That's blackmail!"

"Welcome to social interactions with a social fuckwit, _friend._"

"I don't like it when you say it like _that._"

"Deal with it. You had to go and idiotically get injured where it would inconvenience me. I'm being _nice._"

Scary thought, thought Lavi.

"I've kindof been working since I was kid, got auctioned off because mom got sick reallllllllly badly after I was born, y'see. Some old guy took me in, and trained me to be his _assistant_."

Kanda looked perturbed, and Lavi could guess what had made him look like that. He did very purposely use _insinuatin'_ words.

"Well, he travels around a lot, and he's kindof like a, a-... historian! He collects information and stuff, only people don't _always_ want you to know that they're secretly sleeping with a cheerleader, especially if they're famous. Gramps doesn't sell the info, but one of the guys got pissed off and tried to off him."

Lavi shrugged, and Kanda scowled.

"Let me guess. You took a bullet for him"

"Yeah, but I didn't want to sound boastful or anything, though you can call me a hero if you'd like-"

"Idiot."

Lavi was mildly surprised his bit of lying didn't go down so well. Wasn't it some sort of honourable death, sacrificing himself to save someone else? He'd have expected that Kanda, the born-again-with-a-fouler-mouth samurai to at least respect that.

"Between you and some old guy you aren't even related to, only an idiot would have gone and done that."

"Yeah, right! What would you have done then?"

The cleaver was flipped so high that the wooden handle brushed the ceiling before it fell back, this time caught by the blade.

"The guy would never have even gotten the _chance_ to shoot."

* * *

They didn't return to the tree after. Kanda figured that it would take a special kind of idiot to be brave enough to do anything to his quiet place with the note tacked to the tree, and he didn't want to be bothered hauling the rabbit out of the woods if it turned out that Lavi really had a concussion.

So Lavi just sat around and watched as Kanda practised his Kendo, daydreaming idly when Kanda disappeared to presumably suck blood from hapless passers by, wondering vaguely what exactly the other boy was up to.

He found out when it was nearing dusk and he got ready to go back to the little apartment he and Bookman ("How cool is that for a title, Yuu?!" "Crappy as all hell.") were shored up in while they stayed here. Bookman was busy collecting information about the local politicians, as well as the history of some of the relics in the area, so they would remain for a while. Long enough for Lavi to get to go to college for even _more_ qualifications, so he was glad enough for it.

His bag smacked him in the gut when he stood.

Feeling winded and light-headed, he took a few moments to get air into his system again, before looking up with his megawatt smile.

"Aww, Yuu, you got me my bag back! You're so sweet!"

He ducked the hit from the bamboo stick, and laughed again.

"Y'know, if we're friends, there really should be a better way for me to communicate with you when we're not near each other than sendin' mental messages and hoping you won't ignore me. Got a cell phone?"

"Rabbit, you must be high if you think I'm going to let you _call_ me."

Lavi patted Yuu consolingly, exhibiting excellent pick-pocketing skills as he frisked first Kanda's pants, then his coat for a small, rectangular object.

"Strike!" he cried out, holding the sleek black clamshell in victory, simultaneously stepping back to avoid Kanda's predictable grab for it.

"Good thing I _am_ a bit high from all the excitement today, Yuu. Lemme just miscall myself, knowing Yuu, if I gave you my number I'd die before I got a call. And even then you'd only call to spite my death, so..."

Kanda was vaguely mortified that Lavi found his actions so transparent.

* * *

A/N: Long overdue chapter is long overdue, sorry! Real life got into the way, that heartless bastard :D Also, are the linebreaks okay? Since some parts are short I'm wondering if the linebreaks are too... intrusive and a simple dot or something would be better.

Also this is a great big thanks to awkward-flyingfish for drawing fanart for this story :DDDDDD 's on my profile, for those interested. That made my day man, _seriously._


	3. Fans, service

"Rise and shine, pancake!"

All Lavi received in return for his good-morning service was a solid punch to the jaw that sent him reeling backwards nursing his chin.

"What the hell, Yuu!"

"_Why are you in my house?"_

Lavi barely missed the accurately-thrown alarm clock, the abused thing making a sad _sproing!_ noise when it bounced off the wall. Kanda stood up, ignoring the fact that he was naked except for the shorts he slept in, and grabbed his umbrella. This time he held the point, the curved handle's gleaming wood looking like a vindictive bludgeon in the morning light.

"I came to pick you up! I told you my friend could get us on T.V, yeah? Well, she really is going t'come today, so I wanted to make sure you dressed nice instead of your usual monochromatic stuff!"

Kanda snorted and grabbed a rubber band, plaiting his hair roughly and tossing it over his shoulder, reaching for a black shirt that hung on the back of a chair.

"How did you get in, rabbit?"

Lavi _beamed_.

"Met your uncle, o' course! Mister Tiedoll's so _nice_, he looked like he was havin' a religious experience when I told him I'm a friend of Yuu's! Gave me breakfast 'nd everything, even told me some _awesome_ stories."

The black-haired boy grunted and headed for the adjoining bathroom, recognising the futility in killing Lavi _and_ Tiedoll.

"Like, Yuu, I didn't know you asked for a _pony_ when you were six!"

Kanda froze, turning on his heel slowly to look at a Lavi who was grinning so widely it looked like it hurt.

He tried to find any way to salvage his dignity.

"Tiedoll's delusional."

Lavi shook his head.

"I got me a license to practice psychology, and trust me, Yuu, your uncle's perfectly sound of mind."

That left out the option of declaring Tiedoll as a sufferer of advanced dementia. Kanda cursed his luck.

"... I asked for it because I fucking hate having to carpool with other people to school."

The red head was laughing loudly now, because Kanda was an endless source of top-grade entertainment, and looked great in a pair of shorts.

"_Right_, Yuu. I believe you!"

* * *

They were walking towards the woods after Kanda had threatened Tiedoll with a grisly death for offering him a pink, flowery Tupperware filled with rice and curry "for your lunch later, so that you can have fun with your friend!"

Kanda had to admit that his uncle _did_ look like he was having minor strokes of Enlightenment whenever he said "friend". It was disturbing. The old man was a trembling pillar of sap at the best of times, and faced with what Tiedoll thought was Kanda's social thawing, the man was one sob short of blubbering.

The morning was quiet, lacking the usual cheerful bird chirps that annoyed Kanda no end. A thought struck him in the silence.

Firstly, that there _was_ silence in the presence of Lavi.

And mainly,

"Oi, Lavi"

"Hmm?"

"You're going to scare children if they can see that hole in your head."

Lavi cooed, and Kanda reminded himself that he didn't attack injured people. Not immediately, at least.

"You don't have t'worry, Yuu! Didn't y'see how I rakishly covered the gauze with my bandanna? Must say I look frickin' spiffy."

Kanda got a pat on his back, and didn't break Lavi's arm for it. He suspected he was going soft, really. He was also feeling slightly charitable; Lavi had dug out a bright pink collared shirt that had a random swirly design on it that Tiedoll had bought in a moment of insanity, and had demanded Kanda wear it.

Lavi was dissuaded by a punch to the shoulder, when they both knew that had Lavi invoked the Power of the Deranged and Obsessive Father Figure, Tiedoll would have sobbed Kanda into it. That was a reason to be grateful right there.

"You've got t'forgive me for not bein' lively company. I'm tryin' t'keep my strength so that I can be loveable for the _both_ of us later, Yuu. God knows the only audience your stoicism'd appeal to would be... rocks, I guess."

"Go back to being mute, rabbit."

Lavi saluted jauntily, and Kanda noticed that his bandanna _did_ cover more of his face than usual.

"Yes boss."

***

"I'm Lenalee Lee, reporting for What's Up Today, coming to you live from the site of the staged tree-hugging demonstration by local students Kanda Yuu and Lavi..."

The girl looked at Lavi questioningly, but the red head only grinned in response. From his position leaning against his tree, Kanda realised that despite the endless hours the rabbit had bothered him, he didn't know Lavi's last name.

Evidently, neither did Lavi's friend.

Not that he cared or anything. But when Lavi went too far and Kanda had no option left but to kill him, it would be easier if he knew the name of the family the police would make him contact.

God forbid it had anything to do with them being friends.

"-Lavi" continued Lenalee determinedly. "I will be interviewing them so that you, dear viewers, may find out the inner workings of the minds of dedicated environmentalists!"

Kanda snorted, but out of a deep-rooted sense of respect for women (Tiedoll the super sap probably had something to do with that) he kept the sound to a minimum. Lavi noticed, of course, and did his weird blink/wink thing that, to Kanda's horror, he found less offensive and annoying than normal.

A microphone was shoved in his face, and only his iron will stopped reflex from wrestling it from Lenalee's grip and beating her with it. He looked up from frowning at the ground to see Lenalee's hopeful face, and belatedly realised that he had been asked a question.

He also realised that he would look like an inconsiderate idiot for making Lenalee repeat herself. Kanda fell back on that most wonderful of old favourites, crossing his arms, clearing his throat, and:

"Tch."

The girl looked angry for a split second, and for a moment Kanda wondered if she would try to hit _him_ for it, before the situation was explosively diffused by Lavi _draping_ himself all over Kanda.

Many things happened.

Kanda's annoyance found an outlet at the point of connection between his elbow and Lavi's gut, Lenalee reacted to the violence by instinctively lashing out to kick Kanda, and Lavi slumped to the ground groaning, pulling Lenalee and Kanda down after he (purposely) fell against the other boy.

They were a mess of limbs on the ground, and the cameraman and soundman looked on worriedly from behind their machines, not entirely certain it was safe to go and help them.

Lenalee got up first, having landed on top of the pile, and slapped Kanda's head in annoyance. Grinding his teeth, Kanda pushed himself up, taking sadistic pleasure in making sure his elbows and knees dug deeply into the still-groaning Lavi below him. He then proceeded to brush himself off, ignoring Lenalee going to Lavi's aid.

Lavi coughed into his fist, stared at it for a few moments, and grinned at Lenalee.

"No blood, we're clear!"

He coughed a few more times before slowly getting to his feet, swaying unsteadily. Lenalee tossed her microphone at the cameraman who grabbed it with a fancy one-handed reverse grip, and slung Lavi's arm around her shoulders to prop him up.

"You okay, Lavi?"

Kanda just _knew_ that the red head was copping a feel, and the girl was too occupied with her bleeding heart to notice. It was disgusting.

"Fine, fine, Lenalee... That wasn't as bad as it looked, at least he wasn't holding his umbrella! Y'see, Yuu's not ver' good with people, and you kinda surprised him with the whole mike-in-the-face thing, Lena, that's why he got so violent."

Lenalee glanced at Kanda, and he could see the label "socially-retarded" tacked to his name in her mind. If it meant people would stop talking to him, it was a perfectly reasonable thing to let them think.

Not that Lavi wouldn't have his kidneys kicked out later for implying he was socially-retarded to begin with, though. With the current black-market price for organs, if Kanda could find a buyer he could probably make enough money to buy the woods and _end_ all the annoyance.

Kanda had to smirk at the thought of that, and Lavi had a sudden urge to wrap his arms around his waist. He put it down to yet another daydream of Kanda's in which he was brutally killed, and turned to work the camera.

With red hair and an _effervescent_ personality, Lavi personally believed that God (umm, figuratively, yeah. He didn't think there was some genial guy in the sky for him, not really) had created him with the intention of letting him be seen (_and adored and idolised and lusted over_) by the millions addicted to the idiot box.

"I'm kinda his spokesperson, 'cos he's so shy. Yuu-chan's so cute, isn't he?"

He paused for the "awwww" female fans would be sure to emit, and turned the camera to take a close-up of a Kanda who was still distracted by his daydream (_there would be an auction, and they wanted to sell the pair together but it turns out the rabbit's kidneys are in excellent condition, and the bid for just the right one's so much that there's enough money left over for me to buy a hundred straw dummies_), and the half-smirk passed as a semi-cute expression from Captain Perpetual PMS.

Even Lenalee looked like she had forgiven the previous violence, but Lavi wasn't surprised by that. She had a kind heart, and an accepting personality. It was why she was a friend.

"These trees over here, they're really important t'my best friend-" Kanda got _that_ dubious honour by being the irrepressible Yuu and possessing an adorable first name, "and when I heard his story, I knew I had t'help him!"

Lenalee was nodding in interest, and Kanda looked up in mild curiosity. He had never bothered to enlighten Lavi about his motives for scaring the living daylights out of intrepid developers, and Lavi had never asked.

Not that it was worth a visit from Mulder and Scully.

But the woods were quiet, and it was far enough from the house that Tiedoll couldn't find him easily. The foliage was meager at best and pitiful at worst, but with a growl Kanda could make you believe that it was impossible to get coverage on his phone there.

A perfect place, heaven when hell was other people.

Sans one annoying half-blind rabbit. Kanda thought it was very philosophical of him to not murder Lavi for all the endless chatter, instead approaching the noise as something natural and equally infuriating that had to be tolerated. Like cicadas at dusk and kittens mewing.

"Yuu's dad, God rest his soul, well, he used t'come here for secret rendezvous with his girlfriend, Yuu's mom! There's a lot of sen-ti-men-tal value here for our dear ol' Yuu, and he's not the only one! If you went and asked the gen'ral public, Lena, you'd be surprised, honest, by how many people made wedding proposals here way back before y'could watch a movie online!"

Kanda snorted, but everyone else was too busy concentrating on Lavi's fancy lying to notice.

Lavi had gotten the place wrong.

He was off by a continent or so, but no one knew that, and it was a suitably flattering story that was being attributed to Kanda's father, so it was acceptable. As for the statistic Lavi gave, Kanda assumed it was an honest one. Lenalee looked like the kind of girl who _would_ go and ask people off the street about it, and Lavi wouldn't be stupid enough to endanger _Kanda's_ place just to sound good on a T.V show.

"And Lena, I made a great discovery myself! Y'know, these trees look like normal ones, the ones everyone remembers seeing when they drive to McDonald's or something, yeah?" Lavi waited for a nod, and put on a serious expression when Lenalee did.

"Well, they _aren't_ just any normal trees! These are incredibly rare, these are Yuu trees!"

And Kanda waited for a lightning bolt to descend from heaven and strike the infidel with the silver tongue, because not only was Lavi giving ecological importance to what Kanda suspected was a bunch of common-as-dirt trees, _he was making name puns on television._

Name puns that no one would get except for him, because the rabbit was capable of a special kind of evil that didn't appear evil at all until the horns and pitchfork were whipped out.

Lenalee frowned in concentration.

"They're yew trees, Lavi? I thought those were a lot less... _branched._"

Of course they aren't, thought Kanda. How in bloody hell could a yew tree hold the weight of two guys anyway?

Lavi tuttutted and waggled his finger.

"Not _yew_ trees, God, Lena, where I come from, you couldn't sneeze without hitting a yew tree! Yuu trees, those are the ones that are so hard to find!"

Lenalee turned to peruse the trees, staring at them hard and knocking on the trunk.

"You sure, Lavi? These look like ordinary-"

Lavi pouted, and it was obviously done for the purpose of the show, but Lenalee was too distracted to notice.

"I've got a degree in plant science, Lena. Trust me?"

The Chinese girl smiled and nodded, brushing her hands off and turning back to the camera.

"There you have it, everyone! A shy young boy fights against development because he wants to preserve the sanctity of his parents' memories! Do you agree with his sentiments? Disagree? Make yourself heard! Send any comments or questions to..."

Lavi had sidled over to Kanda as Lenalee gave contact information, Lavi's number included, and grinned at his straight-faced friend.

"How awesome am I, huh, Yuu-chan? We'll be celebrities!"

"If you want to visit these young eco-warriors on site, please don't hesitate to come for a visit! To reach the woods here, turn off at-"

"Lavi, what the _fuck_ have you done?"

* * *

"We have bloody _groupies._"

"Now, now, Yuu-chan, you can't blame it all on me. You had t'go and look all winsome and _sweet _on camera, betcha half the girls came here just to stare at you."

"And those pruny old couples looking like they're about to cry?"

Lavi shrugged, and waved at some of the people who had begun accumulating in Yuu's neck of the woods since their episode was aired a while back.

"That was just me fanning the flames of nostalgia, is all. Look on the bright side! Their libidos've probably not been so lively in _years_, and d'you see that great big smile on that old fella in the hat? He has you to thank for rekindling the passion with his missus."

"Fuck you for making me think about old people having sex."

"Language, Yuu! There're some kiddies about, and I think support for us would drop like a stone if they told their mum that the pretty girl with the long hair said the 'f' word."

Lavi barely managed to dodge the boot thrown at his head, and only good luck and the direction of the wind blowing had him catching the offensive footwear in time before it cannoned out of the canopy and into the cranium of some unsuspecting supporter.

Kanda just grumbled a bit more before settling back, flipping open his textbook in disdain. Fame notwithstanding, Lavi still spent most of his time giving Kanda remedial classes. It had been going on for a while now, and Lavi suspected he would miss Kanda's I-hope-the-entire-world-dies-from-a-freak-accident look every time the violence-prone man took out his study notes.

Not that the look would disappear anytime soon, at the rate Kanda was learning, but Lavi wouldn't be Lavi if he didn't plan for things in advance.

Which was why this time, as Yuu was angrily scribbling curse words in Kanji (Lavi had neglected to mention that he understood them all, and that word Kanda was writing now was so foul that nobody with a traditional upbringing in Japan would understand it) Lavi whipped out his cell phone and took a picture.

"For memories, Yuu. Y'can't be this bad at it forever, y'know."

Kanda snarled and lunged for Lavi, but tripped over his pile of books and ended up falling instead. Feeling slightly apologetic and mostly amused Lavi bent forward to help him up.

He really should have known better.

When he grabbed Kanda's shoulder, the Japanese looked up with the most victorious smirk Lavi had ever seen (and Lavi had seen a lot of them. Kanda stepped on _twigs_ and smirked victoriously when they snapped underfoot).

It was about then that Lavi suspected Kanda had a third arm that he had neglected to mention, because the umbrella shot up out of _nowhere_ and scored a direct hit to the back of Lavi's skull.

"Ow! What the hell, Yuu?"

"What goes around comes around, Lavi."

Oh, Kanda the Zen priest suddenly.

"And pray tell, when was the last time I hit _you_ with an umbrella?"

"Insulting my intelligence was a moral blow. You had it coming, rabbit."

"Fuck you!"

"Not flattered, not interested."

"You would _be_ so lucky!"

Kanda slid back to his original position, and picked up his notepad again.

"You're mistaking me for someone _not_ good-looking."

He jabbed his thumb in the direction of a loud wailing.

"And could you get that kid to shut the hell up? It was irritating enough with just _you_ here, and now there's some freaky albino kid crying a fucking river for the environment. How the fuck do you expect me to learn with all this annoyance?"

Lavi pouted.

"Aww, I think he's kinda cute! He was the first one to arrive, you know. And he's the one who organised the shifts for all of the supporters, plus he clears the dead leaves from here before you arrive. Give the kid a break"

"-united we stand against feckless tree-kilers!"

"See, Yuu, he's good for your non-existent vocab too. Only a Brit would use a word like 'feckless'. Allen!"

The 'freaky albino kid' looked up from the cue cards that contained his rousing rant of the day, pulling the megaphone from his mouth to smile at Lavi.

"Hi Lavi! Nice to see he hasn't killed you yet!"

"Shut up sprout!"

Allen's smile remained unwavering.

"No, stupid Kanda who's older than Lavi but _much_ shorter, I don't think I will."

Lavi could feel the glare from Kanda searing the fine hairs on the back of his neck, but ignored the compulsion to look at him. In the spirit of fair play, Lavi had told Allen Kanda's birth date and height, and the pale boy had since used the facts to combat Kanda's taunts.

"I swear, one day I'll feed you to the wolves-"

"If you could take me on, Kanda. You wouldn't dare, of course, as God forbid you mess up your _pretty_ hairdo playing like a boy for once in your life!"

"I will _end_ him, that-"

Lavi tugged Kanda back into the semi-privacy the leaves provided. It wouldn't do them any good to have the fans realise that Kanda found their support as heart-warming as a bad case of acid reflux.

"People _love_ dear little Allen, don't you go and antagonise all his fans, yeah? 'sides, he's the stepson of the guy who heads the corporation to flatten this place! That's what I call publicity that money can't buy!"

"... How you find out all this stuff, Lavi, I'll never know."

"Just 'cos I make it a point t'know the bosses in the places I work in doesn't make me a bad person, Yuu. And being nice 'nd listening instead of threatening death and destruction for everyone, that helps to loosen tongues too."

"Rabbit, you're starting to sound like a manipulative shrink. Fucking don't."

Lavi paled, flushed, paled, then returned to his normal colouring. Kanda thought it was a bit like a lava lamp being told by his wife that she knew he was cheating on her with the energy-saving bitch, and wondered what exactly was going through Lavi's mind.

_It's not like I don't already know he's good with people the way no normal person is._

"Haha, Yuu, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Lavi, you just _said_ haha."

"You're imagining things, Yuu-chan, didn't know your imagination was so active! 'nyways, little Allen's step-dad is Cross Marian, founder of the Cross Corporation."

Lavi snorted, and was back to normal. Kanda was pleased with himself for finding a topic that made _Lavi_ uncomfortable, instead of always being the one on the receiving end of random bits of conversation that somehow always included sex.

"But the guy's morals are about as holy and Christian as the Tamil word for bastard. Allen's still a minor, but he told me that he's hoping Cross will royally screw this whole thing up and cause some horrible _incident_, so that he can emancipate himself... or something."

Kanda couldn't remember asking for the albino sprout's life story, but as far as mind-numbing stories went, this wasn't half-bad. At least Lavi had yet to say anything completely inappropriate-

"Y'know, maybe we should go to Japan and get hitched. Then we could adopt Allen! Heard that back in the Land of the Rising Sun, pretty Jap boys like yourself can marry male _gaijin_, yeah?"

People barely managed to scramble out of the way in time to avoid Lavi's body falling to the ground.

* * *

"Heya gramps"

The wizened old man didn't bother looking up from the dusty book he was translating.

"Back from playing with your pet, I see. Got any new injuries today, you fool?"

Lavi laughed and tossed his bag onto the sofa, stretching his aching back. Despite the entertainment value, sitting hunched over on wooden boards in a tree was not good for his vertebra. He was a growing boy, after all.

"You really shouldn't call him my 'pet', gramps. Yuu's got hyper-paranoid senses, don't blame me if he kills you in your sleep for revenge. Got bruised up a treat, but if that's the price a man's got t'pay to make fun of him, well, I'm man enough to pay it!"

"Idiot."

"Whoa, were you channeling him just now?"

Bookman also had the unerring aim Kanda did, the flung pen hitting him square between the eyes. Lavi wondered what that told him about his taste in the people he spent the most time around.

"I certainly hope you are not leading the boy on in any way, Lavi. I will wrap things up here very soon, before the new term starts, and I have no desire to be pursued by suitors... Again. _Especially_ not by the family of the suitor."

Bookman allowed himself a well-earned shudder, remembering one particularly enraged aunt, a massive Amazonian in purple satin and a feathered hat, nearly giving him a concussion after she had attacked him in retaliation for Lavi breaking her niece's heart.

"This Tiedoll man is very well known for his overwrought love for his adopted children. He has on two separate occasions showed on the doorstep of your pet's teachers sobbing because they had sent young Kanda for detention. Something about his behaviour, I think you probably know that better than I do."

Lavi grinned.

"Old Tiedoll's a great big softie! And don't worry, Yuu's about as easy to win over as a glacier having a period. It's just for shit and giggles, old man, it's not like he'd suspect that I'm only doing this to get a rise from the unfindable Cross!"

"Keep it that way. God help you if I find out that you are enjoying yourself a little too much at anyone else's expense, Lavi. A prejudiced apprentice recording history is less reliable than a _broom_, so keep that in mind."

The red head waved his guardian's fears away, heading for the kitchen in their tiny apartment.

"Yuu loves his quiet place more than he loves anything else. This way, we both get what we want, gramps."

God bless Kanda's intense dislike of making actual emotional connections with other people. Lavi was mildly certain that Kanda would have otherwise realised that "manipulative shrink" was an apt description of who he actually was, rather than a chattering idiot savant with enthusiasm for social skills.

Kanda would have really killed him for that, so... Lavi the atheist felt slightly religious after a day of the other boy being astute and unusually observant.

Not that Bookman needed to know that, of course.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for being a couple of days late! Here, have a chapter that contains _actual_ plot :D Uhm, nothing much too say, will hopefully be more regular in updating, but, like, don't hold your breath.

Also, to morphine dementia, a PM would have worked just as well as another anonymous review XD I appreciate the gesture though.


	4. Kickarsery is so a word

"-days. That's how long young Kanda Yuu has been protesting the destruction of these woods, and now I have returned here to get all of you an update!"

Lenalee had a hand at her ear, emulating dozens of reporters listening to an earpiece, lacking only the actual existence of the apparatus. She thought it made her look serious.

Kanda, who was still mildly confused as to why someone slightly younger than him was calling him 'young', thought it made her look like a small girl playing make-believe. And Lenalee 'returning' was a sham. The girl had been dropping by for a visit every other day, and had had a hand in organising what was basically a make-shift kitchen to feed the other protesters (who were enjoying the outing very much).

Now, alongside the continued wailing of one un-shut-up-able bleached bean, there was a muscular Asian guy (for whom Kanda felt ZERO solidarity) more flouncy than the smock Tiedoll wore to paint with manning the portable stoves, selling food with a big grin and an odd pair of shades.

The only reason Kanda had not forcibly removed Jery was because despite being loud and prone to hugging anyone within reach, the man could make a mean bowl of soba.

That Kanda got a free, endless supply of. Jery apparently thought that he owed Kanda something for providing such a good crowd to ply his trade on.

Damn right he did, thought Kanda.

Lenalee was going on and on about something, and he caught snatches of words. According to his inattention, Channel Nine had sent a letter of protest to Cross Corporation, and were awaiting a reply.

The girl paused and pressed her ear dramatically, and caught the attention of an Allen who had given himself a tea break from preaching for world peace, or something else equally whiny. Lenalee and Allen had got on like a house on fire, and it was testament to his ability for making good analogies that whenever Kanda saw them together, he wanted to stomp on them.

Or just the bean sprout, really. Kanda didn't do women. Lenalee's innocence to how the world worked and Allen's persistent, enduring belief in the goodness of his fellow man were a potent force together, and Kanda usually had to resist an urge to corrupt their minds, somehow.

Allen tapped Lenalee's shoulder, other hand holding a bowl of instant noodles. The boy's stomach was an endless hole, and he was Jery's biggest spender, despite the cook giving him a 50% discount on all foodstuffs on account of him being so "gosh-darned cute!"

"Lenalee, why are you holding your ear that way? Have you injured it?"

Lenalee blushed, and her hand shot down. Kanda snorted, and automatically ducked at the clipboard the girl sent flying his way. Lenalee was getting predictable in her attacks, it was losing some of the fun it had when Kanda was struck by pens and shoes out of the blue.

"... The producer says I don't get my own earpiece until I'm twenty-one. And my brother, well... He won't let me borrow anyone else's because he's scared I'll get an _ear_ infection. Komui really misuses his power as the tech guy." The girl sighed soulfully, and patted Allen with a wan smile.

"I just wanted to see what it felt like Allen, I'll stop acting so silly now."

The fair boy nodded solemnly, then grinned.

"Why not buy one of your own? Tell you what, Lenalee, since you have become my first-ever best friend, I'll get you one for all the birthdays I've missed!"

Lenalee looked shocked. Kanda reconsidered his unflinching hatred for the concept of "friends" if it meant people he hadn't known very long buying him expensive electrical equipment. Tiedoll had yet to get him the electric saw he had promised three years ago.

A low whistle by his side alerted Kanda to the late arrival of Original Sin.

"Boy, Allen sure is loaded. Should've been best buds with him instead of Yuu, y'know. All I get from our relationship is _pain_, and that's the physical kind. Yuu can't even make me suffer romantic torment!"

"I didn't ask for your continuing presence. Don't get full of yourself, unworthy idiot."

Lavi grinned, and wrapped his scarf tighter. God only knew why he was wearing thick wool around his neck in the middle of summer, but intelligent deduction died a failed death when applied to Lavi.

"Still, it was nice of y'to wait for me before you went up."

"Shut up, Lavi."

And Kanda didn't climb the tree he had climbed a number of times before. He had woken up this morning with the nasty feeling that something tremendously awful would happen, and his suspicion was confirmed when the tea stalk bobbing in his morning cup of green tea sunk from its upright position.

Time to tend the flock, one that had started with a few stragglers in hardy coats, and was now a veritable _township_.

Kanda pretended he didn't see the inflatable pool some well-meaning parent had set up for kids to play in. He didn't even want to imagine how they had filled it up; the nearest source of running water was a small creek about a mile away, and Kanda's house.

His uncle wasn't attached to his arm crying about how wonderful it was that Kanda had finally broken out of his shell of shyness and was now surrounded by friends, so Kanda thought it was safe to assume that some idiot had repeatedly trudged to the creek to get water. Either that, or someone had brought many, many cases of water from home or wherever it was that annoying people went to roost in, for the sole purpose of having smaller annoying people splash everyone within sight.

Kanda walked, and like the red sea parting for Moses, people moved away to clear a path for him, whispers starting then raging like wildfire. There were so many people, ranging from old couples looking like they were out for afternoon tea to avid college kids with green war paint on their faces, as well as the additional people brought with Lenalee for the shoot.

The edges of the woods where his tree stood was _full_; everywhere he looked, people were packed like sardines, looking like they were having a cherry-blossom viewing party. The noise of merriment and good cheer was loud everywhere he walked to, and it was grating on his short nerves.

It was amazing. The main reason he had fought so hard to keep the place was because it was _quiet_, and because it meant he could be away from _people_.

Now he was Mayor of Hobo-land, and Kanda knew that he couldn't intimidate all these people into leaving. Word had been spread, courtesy of Lenalee and Lavi. that he was a nice person underneath all the snarling and growling and frowning and cursing; people smiled knowingly whenever he threw anything at the sprout, writing it off as a young man venting. Basically, short of actual physical violence and bloodshed, he could not get people to feel scared of him enough to go away.

A small girl cut his path suddenly, and Kanda was massively pissed that he could not even shout at her (she was both Female and a Small Child). The girl looked up at him with giant, innocent eyes, and held out a flower.

"Lavi says I should give the pretty girl a flower."

Kanda was off and running so fast that people reported seeing a black ghoul moving like a blur to the police a few hours later.

Lavi had seen the look of deadly intent crossing Kanda's face, and was up and running the moment that face turned in his direction, scowling like the very demons of hell were possessing him. Which was completely unlikely, because an angry Kanda was a damn sight scarier than any incarnation of Beelzebub Lavi has read of (and he has read of a lot of them).

Kanda's legs were shorter, but he was lighter, and Lavi was more of a marathoner than a sprinter. He liked taking things slow and steady, but taking them far.

Kanda was all about furious and frantic activity, bursts of indomitable energy, finish-it-now-or-I'll-kill-you-for-trying attitude.

_In short_, thought Lavi as he panted while leaping over a dead log, _Yuu can run like the fucking wind, and him hitting me with the full force of his momentum behind him means my ribs would collapse like wet toilet paper._

Lavi didn't have any particular reason for riling Kanda up this bad; he was bored that the other man had been ignoring him, and a bit of running was good for the health.

He looked up to make sure that he wasn't about to slam face-first into a tree, and skidded to a dead halt. Kanda (who did not subscribe to the same philosophy of looking where he was going) only gleefully took in the sight of Lavi stopping, attributed it to the rabbit wanting to die sooner than later, and jumped off the log to execute a stunning flying kick to Lavi's spine.

"Aaaaarrghhhh!"

Lavi went down like a sack of flour, and Kanda had his umbrella at his throat in a gesture that would have made a lot more sense had it been a sword. But Kanda would be the first to have to be coerced to attest in court that it was always the thought that counted.

"What the fuck, Yuu?!"

"Of all the God-awful jokes you could have made, Lavi, you decided to mess with my _masculinity_. The price must be paid in blood."

Lavi spat out humus.

"Learn t'take a joke while you're studying algebra, will you? God, d'you not _see_ where you're running, Yuu?"

"All I need to notice is you, rabbit."

Lavi thought that it was a strange way to say it, but ignored it in favour of shoving Kanda off him and struggling to his feet.

"You spazz like a girl, Yuu."

"And you'll die like a rabbit being skinned alive, Lavi."

"Oh joy, more butchery jokes. Listen Yuu, maybe y'should give up your dream of bein' some awesome big-money salaryman, yeah? Go 'nd apply for a job at an abattoir"

"Shut up, rabbit."

Lavi grumbled and fixed his eye patch, tugging his hair out of his eyes.

"Whatever. Did y'see the slippery-looking guy with the saw?"

Instantly Kanda tensed, umbrella up in a defensive stance, dark eyes scanning for anything. Lavi would have told him that it was pointless; he was by far the more observant of the two, and shortly before his face was introduced to the ground and shortly after his back met Kanda's boot, he saw the man taking to his heels and fleeing.

Kanda alert was kind of cute though. Like a bristling kitten. Those little dark ones that people somehow always took pictures of in teacups. That kitten, fluffing up in anticipation of kicking the crap out of a grizzly bear, or something.

Even Kanda's ears were pricked up, and Lavi had to resist whipping out his phone to take a picture. He wondered if any of the opponents Kanda faced at Kendo competitions felt the same way. It could have been part of the reason why Kanda won everything.

"I don't see anything, rabbit."

"Must've run away then."

Kanda moved to sheath his umbrella before realising that that wasn't possible, staring confusedly for a moment at the weapon in his hand. He knew better than to question if Lavi had really seen somebody further up in the woods. Kanda had long since noticed that Lavi had the oddest way of seeing things that everyone else missed, and knew that he could trust the idiot not to waste his time with incorrect information.

"What was the bastard doing in my territory?"

Lavi's green eye widened as a thought occurred.

"Y'know, maybe they're planning a siege for today. Most of the guys're distracted with the filming and Lena and all, there isn't really like, y'know, a good plan to shoo them off."

"There's _me._"

Lavi rolled his eyes.

"Have fun telling that to the tractors, yeah?"

"Rabbit, go and tell the China girl about this."

"You're not the boss of me! And I'd prefer goin' t'look for them with you anyways."

Kanda scowled.

"I wasn't asking for your opinion. Shut the hell up and go."

Lavi sighed. The kitten was baring his claws, and Kanda didn't really discriminate against whose blood he drew.

"Okay boss, but I'm coming with you. Gimme a minute."

And Kanda was about the ask how the hell the rabbit thought he would be able to get to Lenalee and back within a minute before he internally cursed his hatred of cell phones.

"... Lena? Yeah. Me 'nd Yuu, we were havin' some _quiet_ time in the woods, 'nd we saw this scary guy with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. He got away before Yuu got to him, it's okay. Just tell Allen to watch out for Cross, please. I think the sprout's daddy-o is comin' to collect today. Hmm? Oh, don't worry, I'll look after Violence thy name is Yuu, y'don't have to worry about needin' t'visit us in jail. 'kay, bye"

Lavi grinned.

"What? You didn't think I was going t'run all the way there 'nd back, did you? Embrace technology, man."

"Tch."

Kanda growled at him and stalked off, hoping he would find someone to beat up soon.

He wasn't really interested in bloodying his hands on bark. Faces were way more fun to hit.

* * *

"God, that's disturbing."

"Look, d'you want t'find these people or what?"

"Shut up. I didn't know the rabbit was a bloody hunting dog in a former lifetime."

Lavi grimaced.

"Ha, ha, I have good tracking skills. Just because I'm more observant than a water buffalo on crack doesn't mean you get to make fun of me, Yuu-chan."

"You insinuated that my observational skills are as good as a fat gray _thing_ that wallows in mud. Feel free to make more comments about it when I accurately puncture your heart with a needle twenty feet away. And no normal _human being_ sniffs the air, idiot."

"Oh my gosh, Yuu! You know how to use the word insinuated!"

"I will _end_ you."

"That's a lot more polite than your usual stuff. You feelin' okay?"

"I will be when I get to hit someone."

"Atta boy."

The woods thickened the deeper they went, but Kanda had prowled through the entire place dozens of times before, and could walk back to his tree blindfolded from any part within. By his approximation, they were approaching the middle of the forest, and a small clearing he sometimes used as a training ground.

If there were a group of people hiding here, there would be where they would set up camp. Lavi noticing tracks and broken twigs led them the same way, so Kanda felt his guess was justified.

He grinned in anticipation of a good dose of butt-kicking. His violence quota had been lowered a lot lately, what with a crowd of G-rated followers hanging onto him every time he took up guard duty at his tree. The tea stalk had been wrong; it would be a _beautiful_ day.

"... Really, Yuu, your affection for bodily injury kindof makes me think you should meet a psychologist."

"Got banned when I stapled the last one's tie to his shoe. Tiedoll cried, they felt sorry for the whiny wimp and said okay, but then I stapled "Hell No" on the shrink's car."

Lavi's eye widened.

"Sounds like y'had a rough time when you were small, Yuu."

"Fuck yeah. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get people to sell an 8-year-old kid an industrial stapler."

"I'm worried for the world if someone sold you any kind of machinery, Yuu-chan."

Kanda whacked an annoying branch out of the way, snorting.

"Tiedoll owes me an electric saw, rabbit. If you want to be a scared-shitless wimp about it, you could just stop coming to see me."

"How sweet of you t'worry 'bout my feelings, Yuu, but I'm a big boy. And-" Lavi stopped suddenly, head cocked to the side and a look of concentration on his face. Kanda stopped too, because he could smell cigarette smoke in the air, faintly, but he hated the smell with intensity so full of loathing that it was unusual, even for him, so even the slightest of whiffs had him in a rage.

The body is a temple; no nicotine-addicted yellow-toothed bastard was allowed to fuck with Kanda's.

The redhead made a face and began creeping forwards.

"God, I hate cigarettes," he whispered, and Kanda grunted his damn-right-you-do grunt, relieved to hear that it wasn't yet another bad habit of Lavi's that he would one day take upon himself to beat out of him.

With a plank. Preferably one with nails sticking out. Rusted nails.

"Ever had a tetanus shot, Lavi?"

"Ummm... yeah, why Yuu?"

_Damn._

"Shut up."

There were a bunch of men huddled around an icebox, drinking beer and smoking up a storm. Chainsaws littered the ground around them, and bottles of oil leaked puddles of rainbows, and Lavi wondered how the men thought it was a good idea to smoke around flammable liquid.

"Y'know, they're probably planning t'rush out and scare the livin' daylights outta your little followers, get everyone to run, and then cut down H.Q. Smart guys."

Kanda had on his best impression of a grumpy praying mantis, all angry angles and perplexed eyes.

"I would have stood my ground and-"

"Lena'd kick you unconscious and evacuate you, Yuu. Y'might scare the brawny men with chest hair, but you kinda have no hold over a little girl."

Ignoring him, Kanda rolled his shoulders and loosened tight muscles, preparing to probably kill someone in a way that Lavi had no doubt would be clean and efficient, the way Kanda was.

"Let's rock 'nd roll, Yuu."

And Kanda was off, hurtling towards them like a black bat outta hell, not shouting but always being shouted at, hitting but never being hit, and soon screams of pain decorated the air as man after man fell victim to Black Kanda and his... Umbrella.

Lavi walked into the middle of the chaos, picking up an old-fashioned axe and balancing it on his palm. He waited a few more minutes as Kanda halved again the number of men capable of having children, before whistling loudly to get Kanda's (and therefore everybody's) attention.

"That's enough now, Yuu-chan, if y'kill first 'nd ask questions later, we'd be here for _ages_ before you remember that dead men don't talk."

There were several pained grunts of agreement, and Kanda's solitary growl of discontent.

Lavi ignored him, and scanned the severely thinned group of men who were still standing. He grinned when he met the worried eyes of the incredibly annoying foreman.

"Hiya sir! Still goin' out 'nd about even at your age? How _dedicated_"

The foreman felt very betrayed by how quickly his remaining men leapt out of the way (one towards Kanda even, choosing his scowl and quick bat of the umbrella over Lavi's decidedly more predatory grin. He went down with a smile) until all that stood between him and Lavi was about ten feet of air.

"I have to work, Lavi. Never mind that I've had the flu for two weeks, the boss won't even let me have medical leave"

Lavi slung the axe over his shoulder, the handle grasped in his hand, the red axe head clashing horribly with his hair.

"Y'should've known, working in a company like Cross'. Is the big kahuna ever going t'bother with Yuu, d'you know?"

The man frowned.

"Like I would tell you! You left _us_ to join _him._"

"Now, now, don't go and drag Kan-chan-"

"Rabbit what the fuck."

"You don't like being called Yuu-chan, but Kan-chan is kindof cute too, so I thought-"

"You _never_ think. Call me by that and I will kill you with my bare hands."

"Shush, don't interrupt when the adults are talking, _Yuu-chan_." Lavi ignored Kanda looking like every wet dream he had ever had involved disemboweling Lavi in gruesome and creative ways. Lavi then ignored the absolutely fascinating prospect of being in every one of Kanda's wet dreams. There was a time and a place for everything, and he was a professional damnit.

"What's Cross planning to do, old man? Even cute little Allen's here kicking up a storm, plus we got on TV _twice_. Someone somewhere must be _itching_ t'get their hands around our throats, yeah? So what's the plan? Y'can trust me, I'm a rabbit, we're too busy with other things to blab secrets."

"Like hell I would tell you. And call your boyfriend off my men!"

Lavi whistled. "Really wish you hadn't said that chief. Yuu-chan belongs to no man, and now I don't think I can stop him from killing you for sayin' the Great Kanda Yuu is as gay as sunshine and straight as a rainbow."

Kanda stalked past him towards the now-quaking man, and it was when the man began backing up with hands held up in surrender that Lavi noticed that his axe was no longer in his grasp, and Kanda now had two objects with which to impart a world of hurt.

The red head was mildly worried. It wasn't very unusual for Kanda to be rash.

The foreman's back hit a tree, and his face was pale as the white shirt Kanda wore, almost unblemished by the fight.

Kanda raised the axe, the steel blade catching the light and looking downright evil.

Lavi came to the conclusion that his definition of passable scare-tactics and Kanda's might be a little bit different.

"Call him off! Call him off!"

A few scrapes and bruises were okay.

"Yuu..."

"I don't want to die!"

Heck, even a little bit of mental trauma was passable.

The blade came swooshing down and Lavi fancied he could here the whistling sound of the air being cut. The foreman looked like if it was possible to have an out of body experience, his soul would have been in Cancun by then.

Chopping off an entire limb was just _wrong wrong wrong_.

Only maybe not to Kanda.

"Yuu!"

"Oh God Cross just wants to develop the land he needs the money fucking gambling debts you can't kill me I'm not even married yet and I want kids only my sister says I'm gay and in denial but I can't be because I hate wearing coloured shirts and fuck I'm going to die I'm going to-"

_Thud._

"Now everyone should know, this is what happens to stupid little bastards that call me names and keep information from me."

Lavi was bent almost half over, taking in deep breaths and trying to hold his knees steady. The handle of the axe was still shaking, and the foreman... He didn't look like he could talk. Lavi couldn't blame him.

"God, Yuu..."

The Japanese actually had the audacity to smirk.

"Never watched a cop movie, rabbit? Get some balls, we're heading back. Tell the China girl that they're flattening the forest because of gambling debts, and this Cross guy will be shamed out of a job, the groupies can go and latch on to somebody else with a fucked up life, and things will get quiet again."

"What do we do 'bout him?"

Kanda looked dispassionately at the unconscious foreman, the axe blade acting as a macabre pillow for the lolling head to rest against.

"He's a man, for God's sake. I'm not Oprah. Let's go."

* * *

A/N: It's late and a little short, but that's because the next chapter has a major plot device type thing! Updates should be more frequent for a while. Winter break's started : ) Murderous Kanda makes me ver ver happy, and the best way to get an update is if some brave soul offers to be my beta. Usually the chapters are done, but I won't post something till I've checked it, and being too lazy to actually check means no chapter. So, uh, if you don't mind trawling through my mistakes, do help!


	5. His story is violent'r than mine

"Why're we in a hurry again?"

"Idiot. You saw one of those goons in the forest; there might have been a few that I missed, and if anything happens to my tree-"

"Insert gruesome death threat here, yeah, I know. Can't'cha run any faster though, Yuu-chan? Those guys're probably terrorising our guys by now."

"Do I look like George of the fucking Jungle?"

"No one'd complain t'you being in a loin cloth."

"What."

"Being honest 's all, Yuu."

Lavi could barely keep the conversation going, trying to keep up with Kanda Yuu, the Lightning Samurai. The boy was running so fast that Lavi suspected Kanda was capable of passing straight through branches. God knows he kept getting slapped in the face with them, repeatedly ducking to avoid having his eye poked out as Kanda ran, ran, ran.

Kanda should try for the Olympics. Even if he didn't win (which Lavi found highly doubtful. It was not within Kanda's personality to fail at anything. Even maths), the confrontation between Kanda and the timekeeper and fellow runners would be nothing short of a barrel of good, violent fun.

"We gettin' any nearer, Yuu?"

"Almost there, idiot. God, you're weak for a hyper-active rabbit."

Lavi would have made some intelligent comment, something about any conclusion Kanda had drawn based on Lavi's similarities to a rabbit were his own delusions, and if he was a rabbit, then he was a rabbit, and not some God damned Ghost-of-a-cheetah's-past that could pass through solid matter without a sweat.

One more line of trees, and the both of them burst into the edge of the tree line where Kanda had set up base camp so long ago. Lavi was panting but ready to throw a punch, and Kanda looked like he had just returned from a leisurely afternoon stroll, umbrella held at the ready.

Blinking sweat out of his eye and glaring at Kanda's dry skin, Lavi vaguely wondered if this best friend of his had any glandular problems that gave the Japanese a lot of energy and zero perspiration. That was one disease Lavi wouldn't mind being afflicted with.

Then he noticed, belatedly and much to his annoyance, that the place was silent as the grave.

A great many pairs of eyes were on him, and Lavi wondered why they weren't trained on Lenalee instead.

She was the one who had a man pinned to a tree, held in place by her boot in his gut in the frozen motion of a well-executed side kick, not him.

"Guys.... did we miss something?"

The friendly neighbourhood bean sprout spoke up, fluffy as a bleached dandelion.

"Ah, Lavi and the Thing! We were wondering when you would return." Allen frowned slightly, and rubbed his hands together in a gesture of genteel anxiety. Lavi found it impressive that Allen hadn't been struck down on the spot for referring to Kanda as the "Thing". Kanda would be getting some major karmic brownie points for his self-control, that was for certain.

"Be civil, Al old pal, Yuu-chan's just nearly committed mass murder, I don't think he'd mind adding destruction of plants to the list."

"Not a bean sprout!"

"Didn't say you were."

Allen scowled and crossed his arms in irritation.

"Well, after you made your call to Lenalee, we decided to be on the lookout for anyone suspicious. One man suddenly ran out of the forest holding a saw and shouting quite insanely, only Jeryy was standing near and he knocked the man out with his saucepan. Lou Fa was annoyed because the shouting had distracted her and she accidentally broke a nail, so she cut off his moustache. Sorry about that, we couldn't get the nail clippers away from her in time. Cloud tied him up, and he's... resting over there."

Both Kanda and Lavi looked in the direction Allen pointed, and saw a tall man with a bad shave groaning in his unconsciousness, tied up with knots that would make any sailor proud.

"And the one Lena's holding hostage?"

"Lavi, I am holding nobody hostage!"

Lavi grinned.

"He doesn't look very free to me, Lena!"

The girl pouted and blew her bangs off her face, shifting slightly so that more of her weight rested on the leg not currently constricting the abdomen of a pale man in a suit.

The man coughed politely, and turned imploring eyes to Allen.

The British boy blushed.

"This is Tim Campy, he works for Cross as a legal aide."

"Oh. You guys go way back?"

"Way back. Any money I make while I'm still a minor goes through him to get to that waste-of-space philanderer, so we have been in contact. A lot. Plus he babysat me when I was much younger."

"As Master Allen said. Now if the young lady would kindly stop stepping on my liver?"

Lenalee looked at the white-haired boy, and Allen shrugged helplessly. Deciding that with both Kanda and Lavi here things could not get out of hand, Lenalee dug her heel deep into soft flesh once more before backing off.

"What?" she cried, seeing the look of awe and slight fear in the faces gathered around her. "I'm trained in classical dance!"

The looks morphed to include disbelief and newfound respect for ballerinas, and someone coughed nervously. Breaking under the strain, Lenalee looked away and fought down a blush.

"... I may have a black belt or four in the martial arts. But it wasn't like I wanted them! My brother made me enroll because he's paranoid that people would try and kidnap me, or something!"

"Good thing for us that you're so capable, Lenalee," Allen said, and the crowd cheered while Lenalee lost her fight against keeping her face from resembling a tomato.

"What's a soulless money-sucker doing here?"

Allen scowled. "Hey! You don't even know him, you shouldn't insult a man you've never met! Didn't anyone teach you to be polite, Kanda?"

"Not to bastards wasting air in my territory."

Tim ("First time I ever met anyone with Campy for a name. Betcha his middle name is Gay, Yuu!" "Shut up Lavi.") brushed himself off and stared sadly at the boot print on his jacket, before straightening and clearing his throat.

"Ahem. I represent Cross Marian of Cross Corporation, and am here to inform all of you that my client is well within his rights to chop down all of the trees in this area, and that all of you are rallying illegally-"

"He's not right in doing it, actually," interrupted Lavi.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, he's not right. Y'gotta get the land surveyed for it's ecological value, how it affects the water table, the possible consequences of clearing the land, the likelihood of increased incidents of flooding and mud slides. Y'gotta check all those things 'nd make sure it's okay, and you guys haven't done that."

Tim looked bemused, before referring to a notepad he took out from his breast pocket, flipping the pages as his eyes ran over the words quickly. Kanda looked in surprise at Lavi stringing a sentence that was not only coherent, but also... _intelligent._

"It says here that the survey was completed by a former surveyor of the company, one Lavi-"

"That'd be me." The red head flashed a wide grin, and Tim's frown grew deeper.

"It says here you okayed the land for further development. What are you attempting to prove, young man?"

"Go and check your facts again, actually. I made a couple of corrections in my resignation letter. Kind'f my last gift to you guys."

The blond man was scowling awesomely now, teeth bared in an expression of great annoyance. "Nothing of the sort was mentioned!"

"Might be 'cos you guys never read the letter."

"Of course your supervisor did-"

"Y'see, it was at least 40 pages long. And full of fancy soundin' terms 'nd big words with a dozen syllables. Though I've got t'admit it m'self, the part where I wrote about sayin' goodbye was _epic_... God, I could probably win an Oscar for the drama and human pathos I fit in. Good thing I got me a certified copy of the letter, so you guys can't go around saying you'd lost it or anything." Lavi's smile was mocking now, and he could almost see Tim considering the possibility that they had made the mistake, not Lavi. Word of his impeccable memory had to have spread while he was working there, and Lavi knew that as long as Tim was aware of his reputation, he would lay off.

Tim reacted the way Lavi had predicted, backing down from the subject. It bought them a few more days at least for the legal team to comb through his letter, written with dozens of references to the most reclusive of facts he was privy to as the Bookman's apprentice.

_Now, if I've got it right, since they can't attack us legally, and Yuu's just destroyed whatever physical offensive they had planned, all they have left is to crush morale._

Lavi found he was right on the money when Tim's frown was transferred from him to Kanda next.

"Even so... There were no objections when the matter of clearing this area was brought up at the Council Meetings. Why is everyone suddenly fighting so hard to cater to the whim of a single anti-social boy?"

"Well, I'm doing it 'cos Yuu's a lot of fun to be 'round."

"Channel nine thinks it's an interesting piece. Plus I support Lavi and Kanda."

"So that I can get the story of my suffering at the hands of that red-headed bastard, no offence to Lavi, sorry, on air. And because it isn't good for the environment, ruthlessly cutting down everything green."

Tim looked taken aback at the answers from the three of them, and Lavi, Allen and Lenalee simply stared back, the weight of their reasoning obvious in their eyes.

"Well. Did you also know that Mister Kanda once assaulted his mother's ex-lover?"

The woods hushed and the temperature dropped suddenly, all attention centered on a Kanda who was vibrating with barely suppressed rage.

"What the _hell_ does that have to do with anything, you snooping bastard?"

Whispers erupted at the kind-of admission, and Lavi groaned internally because he could almost _see_ support for Kanda evaporating. Kanda swearing at everyone and everything was taken with much good humour, but for their leader to have actually viciously hurt someone...

"Everything. The reason you have garnered so much support is because people believe you to be a quiet, serious man who just wants free space for birds and butterflies. No one would follow a _criminal."_

The snap was almost audible.

Within the blink of an eye he was shoved up against a tree, Kanda's hands fisted in Tim's collar as he shook the taller man like a rag doll.

"Don't fucking _presume_ that I do what I do to get _followers_. And since you and your God damn law degree seem to think you're so smart, answer one fucking question: if you see some no good bastard hitting your mother, what would you have done?" hissed Kanda furiously. He took a deep breath, and Lavi thought he was going to bite a chunk out of Tim Campy's neck a la a raging wolf, but instead Kanda released Tim, backing up and looking disgusted.

"I will defend what is mine. He wasn't the first person I hit hard enough to bleed, and as long as there are bastards like him and you walking around on this tiny damned planet, he won't be the last. Tell Cross to go fuck himself if he thinks I'm backing down."

Without another word Kanda stalked off, disappearing between the trees like an Asian Hansel being swallowed by the forest instead of the witch. Lenalee moved to rush after him, but Allen held her elbow, looking down the way Kanda had walked with wide eyes. Kanda's show of emotion was a first for most of the people there, and like almost everything else about him, it was eerily captivating.

Lavi cracked his knuckles, and ignored his own urge to rush after Kanda and make sure the boy didn't suddenly turn emo and start mutilating himself. Highly-strung and incredibly irritable, Lavi knew Kanda would most likely impart hurt on others than himself, but the possibility of self-hurt wasn't zero, any way it was looked at.

"You just went and did something very stupid there, dear Mister Campy. Shouldn't you know better than to play dirty?"

"I was merely stating facts."

Allen joined in. "That was terribly foul of you, Tim. I don't know if master put you up to it, but I would have expected better from _you_."

"Y'really have got t'tell me what you've been through, Allie, sounds like something right outta my favourite soap." Ah, Lavi's inspired ploy to get more info on the guy he was researching, and Allen nodded distractedly, not even noticing he had just been called Allie.

"And more than anything else, correct me if I'm wrong, yeah, but isn't it illegal for you t'get info 'bout Yuu's past like that, since he wasn't ever _charged_ for it, _and_ he was a minor?" Out of the corner of his eye Lavi could see Lenalee's cameraman zooming to catch the look of discomfort that briefly passed Tim's face. He smiled internally; maybe getting a rise out of this Cross guy wouldn't take as long as he thought it would.

"In any case, I'll be Yuu-chan's council, 'nd get him t'take you guys to the cleaners. Y'just divulged personal information of a minor y'shouldn't even _have_ to a whole crowd. Plus some of your men came to forcibly evacuate Yuu and me from here, and I got me a pretty nasty cut from them throwing heavy things at us. Sounds like a frick-tastic lawsuit waiting to happen, doesn't it?" Tim, already a fair man by nature, paled to an unhealthy white.

He took another breath, before closing his eyes. Like that, he said in a clear, tired voice, "Excuse me for a moment, I believe there are a few things I must speak with my client about."

And like that he walked away, whipping out his cell and calling someone. Lavi presumed it was Cross, and tried to see any way he could get that number too. A tug at his arm drew his attention away from nefarious plans to Lenalee's big, worried eyes.

"You didn't tell me anything about being hurt by these men!"

"It actually happened the day before the first time you came to see us, Lena, just didn't want t'worry you. Got a kick-ass scar under my bandanna, but gramps says it'll go away eventually." He rubbed the mark through the cloth, and grinned crookedly. "Yuu scared 'em all off before they got really violent, though, so I kind'f owe him one."

"How did you know that Kanda had hit... that man before he turned 18, Lavi?" asked Allen with a thoughtful look. "I don't see that maniacal bastard as the type to share life stories."

Lavi knew because using his considerable resources he knew almost everything about Kanda, down to the colour of the smock the kindergarten provided him with when he was 5, but that wasn't exactly a widely acceptable response. Since he was a Bookman in training, though, his ability to fudge through a difficult situation was right up there with the best of them.

"Yuu-chan lives with his uncle; his relationship with his mom is very... difficult, so they haven't been in contact in a while. For somethin' like this t'have happened, it had t'be a while ago, so no way would a guy old enough to be his mom's boyfriend press charges against waist-high Yuu. And, don't'cha think if someone made our Kanda angry when he was age 18 or more, the guy'd be dead or dismembered?"

Allen mulled over it for a moment, but the reasoning made sense. It would be hard to predict what a Kanda pushed past his limit would do, but it wasn't hard to imagine that it would be a damn sight more painful than a few flesh wounds.

"What are you hoping Cross will say, Lavi? I've known him for bloody _years_, excuse my French; no way will he just hand over the deed of the land to Kanda, and now that this whole mess has been caught on camera, you should be prepared for him to go to great lengths to screw you both over to save face." Allen shuddered briefly, recalling some of the more... _colourful_ exploits his master had undertaken over the years. His personal greatest horror was when Cross had taken it into his head to generate free electricity by sending Allen out into rainstorms with rechargeable batteries, a lightning rod and rubber gloves.

His arm had the burns to prove that latex was laughable in the face of Mother Nature, but he wasn't thinking about that. There were more important things to deal with in the present, involving his new friends.

"I'm hopin' he'll come up with some stupid impossible challenge for us to complete. That way I get t'laugh at him when Yuu slays the Minotaur or scares the boulder over the hill or empties the ocean with his umbrella... 'cos Yuu-chan's special that way, and since Cross made this his first move, he obviously doesn't know what Kanda's like."

Lenalee laughed the laugh of a believer, then quieted into a frown.

"If it's some sort of physical challenge I'm sure he'll do well, but what if it's a lot more... intellectual?"

"I'll manage somehow, Lenalee, y'don't have t'worry." Lenalee knew even less of his true capability than Kanda did, but Lavi felt no urge to disabuse her of the notion. Allen just smiled his polite smile at the both of them, and clapped his hands together.

"Then let's hope he makes decisions as carelessly as he always has, and hope that Kanda hasn't gotten so upset that he has decided to migrate to Brazil."

The question begged to be asked.

"Why Brazil?"

Allen tapped his nose in a parody of an English Gentleman sharing a secret.

"Why, Kanda's not a _complete_ idiot! A month stalking in Ipanema, and he would be so tanned that Lavi couldn't recognise him from a foot away! Thus leading to an end to all the bunny-related aggravation, of course."

Lenalee burst into laughter at the thought of a dark Kanda, before adding in mock solemnity, "Oh, but Allen, Kanda's our very own Asian princess! Skin that pale doesn't tan, it just burns!"

Allen shrugged. "Either dark brown or bright red; anything to save himself from endless Lavi chatter."

Lavi pouted in dramatic despair. "Allie, the way you talk, it's like y'think Yuu-chan doesn't even like me!"

"What? Kanda disliking a human being? Perish the thought!"

"You're just jealous 'f the deep emotional connection I share with Yuu, Allen, but y'don't have t'worry! There's plenty of Lavi-goodness t'be spread 'round, right Lena?"

"Eeew, Lavi, you aren't my type, sorry."

Lavi grabbed his heart with a teary look, while Lenalee mock-scolded and Allen laughed. "Y'sure know how t'kick a guy when's he's down, Lenalee. What happened to the sweet little thing that couldn't get angry even when I hid a frog in her bag?"

"She decided to take revenge, Lavi."

A cough interrupted their fun, and all three turned to see Tim holding out a cell phone to Lavi, looking at him meaningfully.

Lavi cocked an eyebrow.

"What? D'you want t'give me a present?"

Tim sighed the sigh of the long-suffering.

"It's Mister Marian; he insists on having a word with the people responsible for this situation, and since Mister Kanda is unavailable, I should imagine you would be the one to take the call." He held out the phone again, and Lavi took it from him with a grin. Tim hastily retreated a few steps back, out of range of Lenalee's long legs, and tried to appear professionally occupied with his cufflinks.

"'ello."

"Which brat is this?" The voice had the distinct gravelly timbre of a chain smoker, and the lisp of someone with a breathlessly terrible hang over.

Lavi's voice rose an octave or so, and his volume doubled.

"Oh hi! It's Cross, innit? I'm Lavi, sir! Used t'work with you!"

On the other end of the line Cross swore furiously and pulled his phone away, rubbing his abused ear. The effects of a bottle (or five) of good rum couldn't be expected to disappear without a trace overnight, and it never failed to shock him how inconsiderate the bastards he spoke to could be about his condition.

"If you were standing in front of me I'd shoot you for shouting."

"If I were standing in front of you, you'd be deaf."

Cross massaged his temple and popped a couple of Tylenols into his mouth, washing it down with a swig of vodka.

"Listen here, you stupid little punk, that's my land and you know it. Clear off and I'll let you live."

Allen wondered if Cross had met his match when Lavi turned to smile reassuringly at them, answering with the swaggering confidence (and shameless, bare-faced lying) that was usually reason enough for Kanda to hit him.

"Y'see, I'm recordin' this conversation precisely 'cos I'm worried that's what you're tempted t'do." Lavi was hoping the man on the other line was bright enough to get the hint; dude, if you like, even _think_ of harming us, yeah, we're going t'use this recording of you _threatening_ us in like, a court of law. Frick yeah (never mind that, for all intents and purposes, there _was_ no recording device).

Also,

"Your mates've already dug themselves into a hole, legally, Mary-chan."

That proved to be too much for both Allen and Cross. The bean sprout began laughing so hard that he nearly collapsed to the ground from oxygen depravation. He had always found his guardian's name effeminate, but had never had the opportunity to mention it without fear of retaliation.

Cross' reaction was a lot more sedate. The cigar he had just lit got bitten in half.

"This means war, you little freak."

Lavi shrugged with so much nonchalance that Cross could _hear_ it over the line.

"Bring it on, bitch. This'll teach you to bully my Yuu-chan."

Cross rummaged in the drawer of his desk and took out an old letter opener. Taking out Lavi's employee details, he tossed it on the floor and threw the blunt knife through Lavi's smiling photo.

"You talk smack like a little girl," he sneered, happily driving the heel of his boot onto the handle, the tip sinking that much deeper into the floor.

"Said the white rich kid who sounds less ghetto than _Allen_." Lavi had spoken loudly both to injure Cross' eardrums and so that the crowd around him listening avidly could hear. There were cheers for the entertaining, and on the whole really quite mild smack talk. There hadn't even been one "Yo momma's so-" line.

"Let's settle this like men, since you think that's what you are. That land's mine, but since my workers are a bunch of incompetent idiots and I know that idiot Allen is there, I'll make you a deal. If you can get to me within the next five days, I'll sign over the deed of the land to your gay boy toy. If you can't, then you guys clear the fuck off and tell the television people that this stunt was just some stupid thing you pulled because of hormones or something. Sound good to you?"

Lavi's eye glinted; here was the opportunity he was looking for. An invitation to hunt down Cross, as well as the possibility of giving Yuu his quiet space back. While Bookman strongly disagreed with influencing events in any way, Lavi thought it wouldn't be atheistic of him to have been so entertained by Kanda without trying to pay back the debt at least a little. It was thanks to the Japanese boy that Lavi was on the phone to Cross now anyway.

"If y'don't leave the country, deal. Y'better pack your petticoats, sir, ready or not, here we come."

Cross snapped his phone shut, and reclined into his chair smiling contentedly. If the boy thought that it would be an easy task to find Cross Marian, well, he had another think coming.

Allen knew this, and when Lavi explained the terms of the bet, the pale boy was almost in despair. "Lavi, I do believe you are under the mistaken impression that it is a simple matter to locate Cross... It isn't. You would be more likely to find a Dodo bird within that time than that bastard, especially when Cross doesn't want to be found!"

Lavi patted his back and turned to smile at the camera, Lenalee talking animatedly to cover the most recent update of the saga that had originally started as Kanda's quest to be solitary and environmentally friendly. He could already feel the pain he would no doubt receive from the Bookman for scheduling a trip of this kind when anonymity was supposed to be their best friend.

For Lavi right now, Kanda outranked staying in the sidelines, and the bravado of the young meant that this was a risk he was willing to take.

But first, his partner in crime had to be found, and throughout the whole phone call Kanda had yet to make an appearance. If they had five days, they needed to be on the move as soon as possible, as well as figure out where Cross most likely was, and how to get there.

"Guys, I'm going t'go look for Yuu. Anyone can spare me a smoke?"

A blond Australian hippy at the back raised his hand, and memory reminded Lavi that the guy was Reever, an engineer from Down Under backpacking across the world. With the woods being _Kanda's_, basically, none of their supporters smoked, but Lavi knew that that would never stop the die-hard fans from bringing along their cancer sticks.

He accepted a lit cigarette with a smile and a "Thanks!" before running back into the forest. He didn't have to go far.

* * *

Kanda had spent about half an hour meditating, trying to ignore his urge to run back and nail that Campy guy to a tree. The itch only intensified when he remembered that the old swordsmith had given him a call to tell him that Mugen's sheath was repaired and he could pick it up anytime.

The umbrella held as much sentimental value as anything could for Kanda, and while it was a useful ally in imparting justice (injury, really) on annoying people, Mugen was much more suited to violence, and he didn't have to pull his hits to make sure that the fragile metal spokes didn't snap.

He relaxed his body part by part until all that remained was an emptiness that afforded his taxed mind the opportunity to float along harmlessly, happily even, though Kanda couldn't be paid any amount to admit to such a thing.

The feeling was shot down an instant later though, when he once again smelled cigarette smoke in the air.

That fucker, thought Kanda as he got to his feet, is going to die.

* * *

Lavi didn't bother calling out, suspecting that it was more than likely for Kanda to move in the opposite direction if he heard Lavi coming for him. An offensive smell was pretty good insurance that Kanda would come lunging out of the thicket with hackles raised and teeth bared.

What Kanda actually did was jump out from behind a tree with his fist pulled back, and If Lavi hadn't noticed birds quieting an instant before, he wouldn't have been able to duck before the punch dislocated his nose... to a position perhaps a few feet away from his boots.

"Yuu-chan! Calm down, 's just me, your favourite person in the world!"

"Not in the mood for rabbit idiocy, Lavi."

Lavi pouted.

"Don't y'want t'know what I did for Yuu?"

Kanda paused and reconsidered, mulling over the worth of listening to what had happened in his absence.

"... Fine. Make it snappy."

"It's amazing! I got t'talk to Cross, yeah, 'nd using my awesome powers of persuasion, I made him promise to give this land to you!"

Kanda stared in disbelief, wondering why Lavi suddenly felt the need to lie to save his life. "Rabbit, there are dung beetles out there more persuasive than you."

"Umm... There might've been a _tiny_ little bit of coercion involved, Yuu. Just a tiny bit." Lavi showed how little he meant, pointer finger and thumb about an inch apart. "Only thing is, we've got t'go 'nd get the signature from Cross himself. And I don't have a car, and nobody knows where he is, so-"

"Do you think you can find him?"

The red head patted his chest with pride. "You're looking at Lavi the Hound here! 'course I can find 'im!"

Things were looking up, Kanda admitted to himself with a scowl. There was now a real possibility of bringing an end to all this madness, and all it would need was a road trip. Tiedoll would wet himself with joy at the thought of Kanda going out with a friend, so there would obviously be no problems with getting his approval.

And Lavi obviously didn't know _everything_ about him.

"I have a ride. Pack light, Lavi."

* * *

A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! Sorry this was a little late. Beta-ed by Tossino, who has reminded me that sometimes I write stuff that only I understand. Thanks to everyone who offered, you guys are too nice! Do enjoy the chapter, though the next one will take a lot longer to get on ('m going on holiday!). So in preparation for that, have yourself an early Happy New Year!


	6. Blood substitute for black sausages

"I was expecting somethin' more.... stable-y."

"What the fuck."

Lavi shrugged, and pulled his bag higher up his shoulder as they entered the garage. Froi had nearly tackled him to the ground in joy when he'd arrived; Kanda had told his uncle about their 'road trip', allowing the man to imagine rainbow and rabbit-filled dreams involving (but not limited to, Kanda suspected) Kanda and Lavi frolicking in meadows making daisy chains and giggling.

_Giggling._

It was all Kanda could do not to disabuse Froi Tiedoll of the notion; he did need his uncle to give him his okay and some cash, and he would be on the road for a week. It was (questionable) good luck on his part that Tiedoll was perfectly fine with the idea of Kanda and his 'friend' touring the country before they started school.

"Y'know, 'cos after the whole 'Yuu-pon and his pony' thing, I kind'f guessed you'd have, like... a gay pink unicorn for transport. With, with a purple 'I love Yuu' tattoo on its flank. That sounds just like Yuu!"

He was hit over the head with Kanda's sword, a new addition that added even more to the murderous mystique that shrouded the Japanese.

"Fucking idiot," Kanda grumbled, and pulled off the black sheet that covered his ride.

The redhead's breath caught in his throat, unable to march on through his mouth to deliver his scathing repartee.

Lavi groaned soulfully. Merely being lewd would not do the occasion justice.

"Oh _god_, Yuu. That's fucking sex on wheels."

Kanda snorted.

"'Fucking sex' is redundant. Shut up, or you're not getting any."

* * *

They were on the freeway, moving so fast they were just a sexy black blur. Lavi believed that on a bike like Kanda's, even a blur could be thoroughly orgasmic.

And Kanda in skin tight leather was something to drool over too, while he himself had retained his usual dressing style (ragdoll chic), scarf ends flapping wildly some two feet away from the back of his helmet.

They were heading north. As Lavi had tried to explain to Kanda, before returning Tim's phone he had memorised Cross' number, and using some fancy tech stuff (flirting with a girl he knew who worked at the mobile service provider of Cross' network) he could estimate where Cross was while he had been talking on the cell.

Kanda had retorted by saying "Why didn't you just beat the truth out of that Satan Worshipper?"

The idea was fairly credible, but Lavi didn't talk with his fists. He had a perfectly functioning mouth for such things.

Lavi could understand why Kanda rode a motorcycle instead of a fancy sports car. The sleek, predatory simplicity of two wheels made it seem more agile and light compared even to a Ferrari. Black was so obviously Kanda's colour, and despite the man's vehement claims to the contrary, Lavi knew Kanda liked to preen in his majestic icy gloriousness.

And preen he did as they sped past another car, the female driver staring in longing and shock at their shadow.

Another reason why this and no other vehicle would seem as much to Kanda's fancy was probably because there was no way a person could hold a legible conversation while riding it. The padding of the helmet, the wind whipping by and the complete lack of insulation from the mechanical grunts and groans around them made it hard for Lavi to hear himself think, much less hear Kanda's hissed, monosyllabic replies.

Since 'north' was about as vague a direction as directions could get, they had decided to simply set off instead of spending even more time at base camp to figure out where Cross was. If Lavi was hit with inspiration, they would be able to act on it faster if they were already on the road rather than back home. Plus Lenalee and Allen were scrambling like good little minions, looking for leads that could help them. Their followers would continue protesting the area being cleared in Lavi's and Kanda's absence, as nobody would put it past Cross to do something so underhanded.

Kanda would pay for food and accommodation; Lavi was allocated the responsibility of paying for most everything else. He strongly protested, of course.

"But Yuu! You're the one with the bike that costs more than a black-market lung! I'm just some old bat's apprentice! I'm not made of money!"

"You worked. Therefore you have money. And the reason we got into this was because of your stupid flapping mouth. Be a man and live with it."

Lavi had at least managed to talk Kanda out of charging him rent for use of the motorcycle helmet; the Bookman had given him a fair sum of money (after beating him slightly senseless; on one hand getting to Cross was an excellent development, but on the other hand they both knew Lavi had offered with Kanda being his first reasoning), and he did posses a tidy sum from all the odd jobs he had done over the years, but he suspected that there would be a lot of bribing and underhanded activities that would need funding for them to win this thing, and he couldn't afford those as well as have Kanda charging as much as a Parisian mistress would demand for her cost of living.

Lavi has ridden all types of things over the years, including asses on winding mountain roads, bicycles on cobbled streets, hot air balloon over rolling green hills, and a tank on the highway. Lavi _did not_ get motion sickness, and always told himself that he was an excellent, entertaining travel companion.

Yuu did not do entertainment. The man, Lavi suspected, meditated while riding, and apparently could avoid heavy vehicles and cars speeding to get a better look at them with just a thought. His head nodded like he was about to fall asleep, and Lavi would pinch his waist when he saw that. For his part, Lavi listened to audiobooks on his iPod, headphones placed within his helmet, the thick purple (_purple! Yuu-chan's so gay!)_ plastic bobbing along with the redhead's nodding to what he heard.

It was quiet, but it wasn't exactly any different from when Kanda was working through a question and Lavi was left to keep his mouth shut so that Yuu-chan could think straight. It was companionable, more than anything else.

At least, that's what Lavi insisted as they stopped for a quick lunch at a small roadside rest stop.

"Y'know Yuu, for someone who hates everyone, it's very relaxin' to go on a ride with you."

"What."

Lavi grinned, and swung an arm around Kanda's shoulder, fully anticipating the fist that came for his face and ducking like it was second nature (it was). He straightened again, and pinned Kanda's shoulders to his sides, putting an end to the violence.

"You didn't try to hit me off the bike once, even though we were basic'ly _spooning!_"

Kanda snorted, and Lavi dared to dream he had gotten away with it.

That is, until the heel of Kanda's boot stepped with much malice on his foot, patched moccasins providing zero protection from all the angry, downward-moving momentum of a hard rubber sole.

"I will fucking make you _walk._"

"You'll just miss my hot bod pressin' against you, Yuu. I could never force my bestest buddy to suffer such a dastardly fate!'

Kanda looked torn between hitting his head against a wall as they walked to a little cafe and throwing Lavi through plate glass. Lavi laughed and stepped back before Kanda did what he wanted, sparing a worried glance for the gleaming black Yamaha.

"Y'sure no one's going t'try 'nd run off with her, Yuu? I'm with _you_ and I feel like eloping with your bike."

"Che. She'll be fine."

Kanda began internally considering how attractive the wall looked to his forehead when Lavi's grin grew slightly wild, and the red head tilted in the way the Japanese now knew to mean something incredibly stupid would drop out of that unceasing mouth.

"_She_, Yuu-chan? I'm a red-blooded man, I get excited by machinery and hot rides, it's okay for me to call her a her, but what happened to uptight Yuu who would _never_ sit on a woman, huh? 's this your sadistic streak showin', Yuu?"

"What."

"It's double standards, that. It's okay to sit on female vehicles but not on female trees? That's some creepy-ass flora-biased _sexism_, Yuu, 'nd I'm disappointed in you right now."

Lavi was saved from a scalp littered with cuts when the glass door Kanda had swung his head into slid open automatically. Instead of ending up as a bleeding mess, Lavi simply made an odd entrance into the store, landing flat on his face, Kanda standing behind him with a disappointed scowl.

The solitary woman behind the counter held her hands in the air.

"Don't kill me! I'm not married, and I don't have kids, but I do have a cat! Well, actually my neighbour's cat, and he doesn't come to my apartment unless he's hungry for my wurst, but if I die I'll take my grandmother's wurst recipe with me, and when I meet her in the afterworld she'll kill me for ending the Lotto line so pathetically!"

She was almost crying, and Lavi leapt to his feet and began waving his arms about wildly, hastening to explain. "No, no, please don't cry, we don't want t'take your wurst from you! We're just customers, me 'nd Yuu, only my friend Yuu here, yeah, he's socially dyslexic! Brutality is the same as affection for him!"

Lavi got a solid punch to the shoulder for that, but he wasn't sent sprawling to the ground again, so he took it as a sign that Kanda was just as anxious to have the quivering woman stop looking like she was about to die from a heart attack.

Lavi put on his best soothing voice, and could see Kanda frown in his periphery when the Japanese realised that Lavi used the same voice to comfort women having panic attacks as he did to teach Kanda.

Kanda decided he didn't want to think too much about how Lavi saw him as a student; he doubted he could get the near-hysterical woman to calm the hell down by happily slaughtering a rabbit right in front of her.

The redhead had sauntered up to the counter by then, leaning familiarly on the top, winking with a rakish smile already firmly in place. Kanda was surprised that he could move so fast, huffed, and stalked towards him. Kanda was responsible for food, after all.

"So relax, Miss.... Miranda," said Lavi, staring shamelessly at the nametag affixed to the woman's breast pocket. "We don't mean your pretty self any harm, yeah? Yuu's just short on caffeine, and me, well, I got me my eye candy now!"

Miranda blushed, and wrung her hands nervously. This was the first time she had been left alone to run the store, her manager having popped off to run some errands with the now-incorrect assumption that no one would come in his absence. She had to do this well, and prove to herself that she _could_ be employed for longer than two months. Plus the boys didn't seem _too_ bad.

She put on a tremulous smile.

"Sorry, you guys just... shocked me with your entrance. What can I get you?"

Lavi's smile was positively dazzling by then.

"No worries! Can I have the club sandwich, extra lettuce-"

"Che. Rabbit."

Lavi just turned to flash a grin at Kanda.

"Aww, Yuu, don't be so cute! And a chocolate milkshake, and a brownie, wait, I think two of the brownies, they look yum! And-"

Something long and hard jabbed his back. Lavi's smile wavered for a moment. "Is that your sword, Yuu, or are you just happy t'see my butt?"

"Stop wasting my fucking money before I skin you and sell you for meat, rabbit. Put a muzzle on your mouth if you have to." Mugen was still sheathed, but having been conditioned to do anything to keep himself safe when in the immediate vicinity of Kanda and long cylindrical objects, Lavi shut up immediately and stepped aside.

Kanda grunted and went to order himself. "Green tea, and the baked rice. I want chopsticks."

Miranda barely stopped herself from saluting. Kanda's stormy eyes stopped her from telling him that they had just run out of green tea; it was one of the things her manager had left to get. Instead she resigned herself to giving up the delicious bitter content of her own brought-from-home thermos, green tea made from premium leaves. Hell, she wouldn't even charge him for it. It would be unethical to serve a guest something she had made for herself and then charge him for it.

"Okay, that will be-"

"Do you take credit card?"

Miranda nodded hesitantly. Both boys looked much too young to go around totting Visas and Mastercards, but Kanda simply took out his wallet and passed her his card. Lavi looked over his shoulder and whistled appreciatively. "The Lotus, Yuu? God, Tiedoll's loaded. I'd totally turn gay to marry one of you boys; just _imagine_ the dowry'd I get, especially if I charm his cute little Yuu-chan!"

Kanda's elbow connected with Lavi's jaw, and that was the end of that.

* * *

"Come again!" squeaked Miranda, and Lavi turned to wave exaggeratedly. "Sure we will, Miranda! Where else could we see the prettiest German girl in the world?"

He laughed when the woman blushed and waved back. Lavi turned forward again when the electric doors slid to a shut behind him, deciding that he was feeling brave and full and merry, and suicidally threw an arm around Kanda's shoulders in a gesture of affectionate companionship. Kanda snorted and sped up, but didn't bother knocking the arm off.

Lavi took it as a huge step forward in their odd little relationship. Even if he was bent funny over Kanda and they were both walking too fast for anything short of escaping a burning building. Plus his legs (longer than Kanda's, though torture couldn't get the Japanese to admit to it) kept taking longer strides than Kanda's, and several times he nearly kicked both their legs out from under them.

"Yuu? How come I haven't been killed for touching you so familiarly?"

"If I spent all my time trying to get sense out of dumb creatures, there would be none left to do anything else. If I ignore you, you'll go away eventually. Everyone does."

"Do I detect a sad, soppy story related to Yuu-chan's dark and mysterious past? Damn your sexy beast of a bike for not having a compartment to keep Kleenex in."

"What."

Lavi just laughed almost directly into Kanda's ear. "Y'know y'can tell me if y'want, yeah? I promise I won't make fun of you or _anything_! I'll be supportive! Like a push-up bra, if Yuu were a woman!"

And then he couldn't breathe, and it wasn't because of the reason he would have preferred (Kanda looking at him with big, grateful eyes, looking sweet as sugar), but because his nose was pinched mercilessly shut. He spluttered and breathed deeply through his mouth, movement of air making a few strands of jet-black hair fly into his mouth, and joy of joys, Lavi was suffocating _and _choking.

"The fuck is with you and making God-awful gender jokes, Lavi?"

Having untangled himself from Kanda, Lavi rubbed his abused nose. He grinned painfully, tears of the Oh-God-I-Thought-I-Was-Going-To-Die variety making his vision watery. He couldn't decide what to answer. The truth was that it was a fun thing to do, if slightly suicidal. Kanda was marginally more frigid than a glacier to other people, and being able to get _any_ kind of a rise (heh heh) from him was fast becoming Lavi's occupation of choice, Bookman-ism be momentarily damned to Hell in a hand basket. But electing of his own free will to jump off the Grand Canyon would be less dangerous than telling Kanda that everything was being done for the sole, shallow purpose of entertaining Lavi as he enjoyed the last of his current stop; Bookman _had_ said they would move on the moment he had gathered enough data on Cross Marian.

He opted for the reply that would, he calculated, yield the most explosive results.

"'cos with my brand of charm, it'd be so much easier to get into your pants if those were glittery pink jeans instead manly black slacks, Yuu-chan!"

Kanda was stopped in his tracks by that, before he scowled awesomely.

"If I were female, I'd have set the fucking cops on you for sexual harassment. Rabbit, you have a higher chance of re-growing your bloody _eye_ than getting me into bed with you."

_Oh ho!_

Those weren't bad odds at all, considering.

And Lavi had to wonder if maybe all those things that he had learned from/ had had punched into him by Bookman were being purposely forgotten; he wasn't supposed to go out of his way to start a relationship, especially not with troublesome characters (among whom Kanda would be revered as God). And now here he was, feeling disproportionately gleeful because Kanda had just about booked himself a session of Lavi-lovin', and birds were _chirping_.

It was a load of bull that Bookmen NEVER. GOT. ATTACHED. The last town they were in, Bookman had attempted to hide the near-tearful goodbye he had shared with the librarian there who he played mahjong with every other day. Everyone had bonds, so long as they stayed human.

Lavi just couldn't quite decide if the one he currently had with Kanda could morph into something that could put his future at risk. It didn't help that the Japanese boy was good-looking, dimmer than a broken light bulb yet more self-certain than a MENSA member reciting the alphabet, had a mysteriously intriguing past, _and_ a hot as hell motorcycle.

"Oh you tease, Yuu."

Lavi was knocked over and stepped on, and had to also seriously wonder if perhaps he was just a little bit masochistic.

* * *

"No fucking way."

The woman just frowned. "It's not my fault you decide to go traveling without booking ahead in the middle of school holidays. The only reason there's even one room is because the original booker missed a flight. Now either take it, or stop cluttering my reception."

Lavi watched on with mild amusement. Hundreds of other families had decided to set off for their own pre-packaged adventure at the same time as the both of them were hunting down Cross. But Kanda was responsible for shelter, and Kanda would deliver. It was easily obvious that the Japanese took responsibility seriously, and Lavi wouldn't put it past Kanda to go on a rampage and scare guests out of their rooms, stolen bathrobes waving a fluttering arm from where they stuck out of hastily packed bags.

There was a further exchange of growls (Lavi was shocked to discover a woman who could give as good as she got from Kanda, seeing as how Yuu could make most adult males feel a sudden urge to rediscover gravity from a position of a few feet off the edge of a cliff), and Kanda was tossed a key, and they were walking for the elevators.

Kanda pressed the "up" button. "There's only one bed. Make like a rabbit and go sleep in a hole, Lavi. I won't immediately kill you if you sleep in the bath tub."

* * *

"Move the fuck over or I'm going to repaint the room with your fucking blood."

"Mngh."

Lavi's persuasive skills were Olympic-ranked (if there was such an event, of course), and he was perhaps the World Number One at it, since between the lift and the room he had managed to convince Kanda to share the bed. It helped his case that the bed was king-sized, and Lavi even convincingly feigned a dizzy spell he swore was due to all the blunt force trauma he had endured from Kanda.

Nothing, however, got the desired effect until Lavi threatened smilingly to call Tiedoll and report Kanda's selfish decision. The might of a pseudo-father's tears was not something to be trifled with, but Lavi wanted to sleep on a bed.

He could be so heartless sometimes.

"Yuu," Lavi slurred sleepily. "We're sharin' a bed already!"

Kanda irritably kicked Lavi in the thigh, perilously close to an area Lavi would prefer not to have than to associate with a kick from Kanda.

"Th' fuck?" Kanda was sleepy too, but he had better self-restraint than to just lose control of his tongue.

"R'memb'r? Y'said this evenin', I'd grow m'eye faster than you'd get int'bed with me."

Kanda remembered vaguely, but triumphantly let fly his winning case.

"Fuckin' idiot. _You_ got into bed with _me_. Not th'other way 'round," and Kanda was off like a light, curled up on his side like an angry hedgehog.

The logic held enough water for a sleep-addled Lavi, and he moaned piteously in defeat and a lack of enjoyable body contact before he too nodded off.

* * *

"This is th' game plan," said Lavi around a mouthful of toast, showering Kanda with wet crumbs.

Kanda idly twirled a paper napkin. "Swallow before you talk or I will fucking gag you."

Lavi opened his mouth to reply, thought better of it, swallowed, and said "Yuu's kinkiness knows no bottom, does it?"

Kanda didn't get the innuendo (within the innuendo), but if he did he would have agreed. Nothing about Kanda _bottomed_.

Instead he just gulped down a mug of boiling hot tea and growled at Lavi to get on with it.

The innkeeper just stared at them both blearily. Her grandfather had founded the inn, and had set breakfast to begin at six on the sound principle that it made them sound hard-working, but that was fine since no right-minded vacationer would wake up at such a Godforsaken hour.

Her grandfather, cursed the woman as she flipped an omelette and gave herself a second-degree burn, had obviously never had to deal with a hyper-active redhead and his accompanying made-in-Japan robot man (how was green tea a full breakfast? HOW?).

The redhead could also eat like some deranged hippopotamus facing the threat of drought. She ferried over another stack of toast with the eggs, checked out Lavi in his snug pants and dashing printed shirt, and wondered where the hell it all went.

At the counter, she promptly fell asleep slouched in the stool. Lavi grinned when he saw her head drooping, and laid out four pieces of toast to make a big toasty square in the centre of the table.

"People who waste food rot in hell."

Lavi winked at Kanda. "Nice of you t'send me somewhere warm, Yuu. And it's not wasting, I'm outlinin' my grand plan!"

Kanda looked unconvinced and carried on with his breakfast. He didn't understand how the rabbit could stomach so many pancakes and eggs and beef jerky and wedges and other oily horrors so early in the morning. The fate of being wasted was probably better than roughing it out with the rubbish in Lavi's stomach.

The ketchup was in a squeeze-bottle, and expertly Lavi began recreating a simple outline of the country on the toast square. An 'x' marked roughly where they were (Lavi reckoned that if it were to scale, he and Kanda were big boys indeed; the size of a small city each), and a blob was for Mary-chan.

It was a _big_ blob, and Lavi spiritually meant it as where Cross Marian could be.

Kanda thought it was the result of an unsteady hand (despite the perfect recreation of the three islands off the eastern coast he remembered and the half dozen or so _no one_ remembered), and smirked at the perceived incompetence.

"So this is us, yeah?" Lavi pointed at the cross, and Kanda nodded. "And Mary-chan is like, somewhere 'round here, dunno where eee-xactly he is. We gotta find him in four days, or we're so screwed it's not even funny, Yuu-chan!"

"Could you _be_ more vague?" complained Kanda.

"I could," said Lavi as he munched down fried mushrooms. "But I won't, 'cos I love Yuu so much, 'nd I know y'get a headache doing Geography."

Which was considerate and insulting all at once. Kanda decided to ignore it in favour of flicking a wayward piece of cheese off his side of the table.

Lavi grinned.

"Yuu's in a good mood! We should still go north, that'd be smart, but for now I still don't have much info. The minute he gets a bus ticket or watches an adult movie, then we'll be _fine_."

"The fuck have you done to adult movies?" Amusingly, Kanda sounded horrified

Lavi's grin showed teeth.

"Well, y'know how there're stuff you gotta show t'buy a ticket, like a driver's license or somethin'? M'friend's a cop, and I sort'f told him that Cross is a suspected sex-offender, so any hit from his credit cards and things gets to me. I'm so smart you just want t'kiss me, don't you Yuu?"

No, Kanda did not. "Isn't that illegal?"

Lavi batted his eyelashes. "No one said we had to play clean. 'sides, Alis' doing this out of the kindness of his heart, it's not _official_ busy-ness, yeah."

Kanda was distracted by his disgust. The ketchup had seeped into the toast, and everything looked a right soggy mess. And so, "_You_ seduced a lady cop?"

The red head pouted with cheeks puffed with hot chocolate. He swallowed and smiled, showing browned teeth. Kanda was hopelessly put off, and could not imagine any sentient being in possession of more than two brain cells feeling any different.

"Well, I _do_ have mad seductivin' skills, we _did_ share a bed, Yuu-chan!"

Lavi ducked the butter knife that came whizzing for his head, then ducked lower to avoid the butter plate that came flying after.

It was only because Kanda had woken up first to find Lavi sprawled all over him (Kanda did not flail blindly in his sleep. Kanda did not flail, period) that Lavi escaped from having the ketchup bottle shoved into his mouth (and Kanda would squeeze it empty). At least since Kanda had woken up first he had been able to kick Lavi off him and off the bed, thus preserving his dignity.

He had no doubt the perverted former-surveyor would have tried... _something_ undoubtably filthy if he had woken up with Kanda asleep and at hand.

With just his eye peering over the table to provide the smallest target for Kanda's throwing arm, Lavi finished his sentence.

"And don't be so jealous, Yuu. Alis is a guy, a guy! Alis is short for Alistair, only he doesn't like his full name, so I call him Alis! Trust me, he's harmless, and kind'f cute enough for the name in a gay gothic way, really."

The name sounded familiar, but Kanda didn't bother taxing his brain to remember. If it was important a bad feeling would have arisen.

"So more time riding around aimlessly with you as a leech stuck to my back. Fucking _joy._"

Lavi looked around for a toothpick. Kanda suspected that there was probably a food store large enough to feed greater Ethiopia stuck between Lavi's teeth; it was a foul thought.

"Babe," Lavi saluted with his pick. "Yuu and I both know that my bod makes your day."

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the horrendous delay. The lovely Tossino beta-ed this AGES ago, but I've been dead busy lately. Exams, the whole month is a month of exams, and it was because today's paper was so indescribably awful that I'm making time to post this. Proclamations of love much welcomed, everyone. Other than that, don't think there's much to say. Next chapter shouldn't be too late, but the ones after that are anyone's guess. Enjoy your weekend!


	7. Once again, with feeling

"This is dumb. I don't understand why I even agreed to this."

"Aww, Yuu, don't be a spoilsport. If y'keep frownin' like that, your face'll stick and _no one_'d marry Yuu, 'cos then you won't even be pretty enough t'make up for your attitude."

Kanda's snarl grew with every word Lavi said, and by "attitude" Kanda could have intimidated a mid-sized wolf. Lavi however was unperturbed, and patted Kanda's shoulder kindly.

"It's barely a sacrifice Yuu. I'm the one doin' all the talking, you'll just be insurance in case I'm not cute enough."

Which meant that he _would_ be called into action, because even though Kanda did not find anything worth calling "cute", his stand-in father had numerous times attempted to nail pictures of babies and daffodils and puppies and kittens to his bedroom wall because "they're so adorable, Yuu-kun! The cuteness will melt the ice surrounding your heart, and you'll give Papa a hug on Christmas!".

So, cute meant harmless creatures. Lavi was not harmless. There were poisonous snakes out there he could step on bare-foot that were more harmless than Lavi. So Lavi wasn't cute.

So Kanda _would_ be pulled into the magnificently awful plan, and regretfully take out his rage on a tree because killing the navigator was not a move even he would acknowledge as wise.

"Y'gotta have faith, Yuu," whispered Lavi with a crooked grin, and Kanda was just about to remark that he would be better off putting his faith in winning the lottery and buying the bloody forest than putting it in Lavi before he was dragged into a pub.

A thought struck him.

"Oi. When the bastard said five days, did he count the day before yesterday?"

Lavi's hand rested on the door, and he turned to stare at Kanda with a look of horror. "That wouldn't be nice of 'im, innit?"

Kanda glared back. "He's not _nice_, is he?"

Lavi gave it some thought; that meant that they were three days into their five day challenge.

So... Cross was a great big _bastard_, and this was going to be harder than he would have liked. God, it wouldn't feel very pleasant to lose Kanda's special place.

Even if he would be far, far away from Kanda very very soon. Which would mean an onset of boredom, and boredom was unpleasant (and displeasure was a feeling, and Bookman would have his head for it, but what the hell, he was only young once, and Yuu-chan was a special kind of special).

Lavi kept his smile on. "He's not, but there's nothin' t'worry about. We're smarter, like, _way_ smarter, Yuu!"

Kanda shrugged and followed Lavi in. It was a small pub in a small town off the highway to the north, and he had not intended to stop. This was nowhere near the blob that was Cross, but at the turn-off Lavi had tilted his body towards the exit with much insistence, and it was either make the turn or fall over and be crushed by his bike.

They took a seat at the bar, Kanda frowning at the close proximity of the stools and Lavi laughing at his discomfort. The bartender (barmaid? It was a pretty Chinese lady, and Kanda wasn't the sort to address a person incorrectly) gave them an odd look, and Lavi looked back.

The woman frowned, and Lavi laughed. "Awesome! Now I have two lovely Asians lookin' like they want me dead!"

Kanda slapped Lavi's head and the woman accidentally-very-carefully slammed a bowl of nuts onto his hand. The Orientals shared a look of understanding, and Kanda smirked. "Good choice for a place to stop in, rabbit."

Lavi blew on his hand, teary-eyed. "Knew you'd approve, Yuu."

The woman put a coaster in front of Kanda with a small smile, then did the same for Lavi. "Excuse me, I didn't mean to hit your hand. What can I get you boys?"

Kanda snorted but decided any woman who could resist Lavi's weird faux charm couldn't be a bad person. He settled more comfortably in his seat, but much to Lavi's amusement Kanda's hands remained primly folded on his lap. "Green tea."

The woman raised an eyebrow, then nodded. "And you?"

"Just your name'll be enough, o pretty one!"

Kanda stuck his elbow in Lavi's shoulder (then went back to sitting primly). "Oi rabbit," he growled menacingly. This was no time to try to hit on women (_try_ thought Kanda, because the rabbit was _spectacularly_ awful at courting). They were halfway through the allotted time, and still had no clue where they would find Cross.

"Anita, and listen to your friend. You will not be getting lucky anytime soon. What will you have?"

"A cold one-"

"Lemonade. No way in hell are you allowed to sit behind me drunk, Lavi. Stay sober or fucking _walk_."

Lavi pouted, face a picture of injured pride. "Yuu, only annoying wives'd say somethin' like that! I can have a pint, yeah, if I wanted?"

"Not if I'm paying."

Anita served Lavi a lemonade, and Kanda got his tea. The waves of smugness emanating from the Japanese echoed in the empty pub, and she smiled at him.

"Cute," she said, before ducking under the bar to grab a cloth, wiping down the spotless countertop as her forebears (and countless movie bartenders) had before her.

Kanda and Lavi drank quietly, Lavi looking at Anita with what Kanda had come to know as his thinking look and what he had originally thought was Lavi's I'm-havin'-a-stomach-cramp-yeah look (the yeah added itself, because Lavi was Lavi, yeah?).

_Strike_! thought Lavi when Anita started to talk. He didn't have any information on her, and was still wondering how to approach the subject of their hunt without making it obvious that Cross was their purpose.

"What are you both doing, if this is just a small stop? I don't remember anything going on around this time that would interest you."

Bless the curious creature that is woman!

Lavi put on his imaginary acting cap, and was willing to swear he could feel the weight of an illusionary beret dampening the cow-lick ridden mess that was his hair.

He looked at Kanda with a face of indecision that was utterly pitiable and completely false. "I hardly think it'd matter if I tell her, Yuu, so can I?"

Kanda had long ago decided to leave Lavi to his own devices. "Tch. Do what you want."

Internally the redhead giggled, and outwardly he grinned and pecked Kanda on the cheek.

And it was a testament to how even the most _obstinate_ man could be worn down by another, even _more_ obstinate man that all Kanda did was punch Lavi in the shoulder so hard his stool scraped several inches to the side before Kanda returned to his drink.

Over the weeks Kanda had been physically assaulted by Lavi as regularly as the sun rose, and after numerous hugs, tackles, grabs and unusual embraces (Lavi had latched on to his leg and refused to let go once, and all because Kanda had passed him a packed lunch Tiedoll had forced on him for his 'friend') Kanda had formed some mild immunity against bodily contact with Lavi. His mind registered that Lavi was attached to him somewhere in some way, and his fist would react, but for all intents and purposes Kanda didn't notice he'd been kissed.

Anita stared at Lavi who was rubbing his arm.

Lavi smiled at her, then winced. "Sorry, that's Yuu-chan's affection for you. Umm, Anita, make sure y'don't spread it 'round, yeah?" She nodded. "Well, I'm lookin' for my long-lost dad! My mum just died-" he made sure to look depressed, and nodded when Anita said "Sorry for your loss" in her pretty, serious voice. "- 'nd Yuu-chan and I are, y'know... _close_, so I just want t'see him and tell him 'bout poor mum 'nd me 'nd Yuu! But I don't _really_ know where he is, 'nd last I heard he was up north."

Lavi spread his arms in a gesture reminiscent of a self-satisfied magician having drawn a rabbit out of his hat.

"So my Yuu's helpin' me find 'im, 'cos Yuu-chan can be very cute when he wants to be!"

"Tch." Kanda was almost impressed at how blatant lies seemed neither so blatant nor so untrue when they came off Lavi's tongue. It was woth wondering, really, how often he had been lied to by Lavi, because Kanda certainly wouldn't have known.

Anita was suitably astounded. "Do you take after your mother or your father?"

Lavi looked taken aback, when really he wanted to punch the air in victory. Instead he cocked his head to the side questioningly. "Umm... My dad, mum said I look like 'im, red hair 'nd pale skin 'nd all. But he wears glasses, and I got my mum's eyes... Well, eyes, but eye now, really. Why?"

She had rested an elbow on the bar top, chin cupped in her palm, face a picture of interest. "I know a person with similar features, and he was a popular man with women. Charming, like you."

Lavi laughed easily, ruffling his hair as he placed his hand on the back of his head in affable good cheer. "Pretty unlikely for my illegitimate dad t'be someone you know! After all, Cross' not a movie star, just some sort of.... entrepeneur, yeah, that type o' thing."

If Anita had been holding a beer glass, she would have dropped it. Kanda looked up from his glass at her gasp, shrugged, then went back to pondering the amount of time it would take to finish his remaining homework. Lavi was infuriating in his teaching; he messed around and scribbled half-blind rabbits on Kanda's notes, yet refused to let Kanda have anything short of complete understanding when he taught (Kanda was fine with memorising concepts without knowing what was going on; he went through life not understanding the reasoning behind what everyone he met did, and gravity was just another one of those things people understood and he lived with). Which amounted to it taking unholy amounts of time to get _anything_ done.

"Your father's name is... Cross?"

Lavi pretended not to have noticed her shock, sipping his lemonade and crunching ice contemplatively. "Yeah. Mum thought it'd be cool to name me Lavi, since Lavi means lion, yeah, because of lions 'nd the holy cross during the Roman times, somethin' like that. Crosses were christians, the lions ate them. Mum didn't want me to be like him, I reckon."

Lavi had to hand it to himself, that was some pretty _awesome_ lying right there. Fitting in significance and human pathos and melodrama and symbolism into the name he had chosen on whimsy.

The woman rubbed her temples, then excused herself to rummage somewhere in the backroom. Kanda took the oppurtunity to talk plans. "How the fuck did you know she knows him, rabbit?"

Lavi pulled his seat back to where it was before Kanda's attack, and whispered dramatically behind his hand. "Y'know how the bean's got an apetite like a whale? I asked him what fucked up childhood he had that made him feel the need t'eat all the time. Turns out Cross has a chain of pubs, and Allen was the food taster for everythin'! Cross prob'ly started 'em t'get free drinks wherever he goes, but now he's some big-time developin' man."

Kanda frowned. "How did you know the woman here would know him personally rather than just know that the bastard's her boss?"

The redhead tapped his nose, and Kanda rolled his eyes. "The one thing every smart person knows to account for; luck, Yuu-chan! It was easy enough t'get a list of the towns with his pubs in that we'd pass. It's just luck that we hit gold this second day!"

"Third."

"There's the Yuu-chan I know 'nd love." Lavi pouted at him, then smiled at Anita when she reappeared toting a photograph.

In flurried excitement she waved it under Lavi's nose. "Is this your father?"

Even Kanda looked over his shoulder as Lavi looked at the picture, eager to know the face of The Great Bastard. Lavi, of course, had already seen pictures and read information on Cross, lovingly provided by Bookman. Kanda, of course, didn't know about Bookman and the things Bookman does, and thought that this was the first time either of them had seen Cross.

"He actually looks like you," growled Kanda into Lavi's ear, too softly for Anita to hear. Lavi found it extremely off-handedly cute (which was just about the _only_ way Kanda could seem cute) that despite being younger, _Cross_ looked like _him_ instead of the more temporally accurate "You look like Cross".

"Thanks, Yuu," Lavi whispered back, before returning his attention to Anita with a look of shock.

"It's him! Oh my God, Anita, what're you doin' with m'dad in a picture?!"

The woman blushed, then frowned. "We were in love. Then he decided to run away to travel the world, and I opened this pub. A few years later he comes back stuffed with cash, and buys the name of my bar to start a franchise. I know he was... amorous, to put it politely, and bloody insatiable to put it as it is. I did not know he caused your mother so much unhappiness."

Kanda perused the coaster; The Black Order. He guessed it was named because the house special was a stout, and that was black. Which made sense in a straightforward, sensible way. He approved of the straightforward, sensible way.

Somehow he had a feeling that if Lavi were to name a business, any business, the words "love shack" would be there. It felt like a Lavi thing to do. He snorted.

Lavi gave him a strange look, but replied Anita. "It's hardly somethin' you should apologise for! And mum wasn't really unhappy or anythin', we got by fine. But... Anita, any idea where he is, then?"

She shook her head, short dark hair twirling with the movement.

"I was paid a lot for the sale of the name, but we didn't meet much. Felt like the money was an apology and a rejection. What I _do_ have is the address that I'm supposed to send any letters of complaint or confusion to. Would that help? I also have his contact details; we do still talk, even though we don't meet any more," she ended wistfully. Anita had it bad for Cross, that much was obvious to Lavi, and he patted her hand in understanding.

"Can't imagine any sane guy lettin' go of you, Anita. And don't call him, yeah? He might get spooked and run, and then where'd we be?" Lavi shrugged theatrically, then clasped her hands. "The address'll help, sweet Anita!"

The woman grinned crookedly at him and withdrew her hand. "You certainly behave like him when he's in a good mood and he's asking for something. You should know that if you start waving around the nearest blunt object when you're in a bad mood and you want something, you'll be Cross' carbon copy."

She began copying the address from a letter onto a paper napkin, and Lavi flapped his hand in disdain of the statement.

"Oh, nothin' t'worry about. Yuu-chan'd get me with his sword before I can get him with, like, a hammer or something. Love the innuendo, yeah?"

Kanda twisted his ear and dragged the soft hair curling over it along for the ride. Lavi yelped then pouted at the world, both lovely Orientals ignoring him.

* * *

"Tell me when you find him!"

"Don't you mean if?"

Anita cocked her hip and rested her hand there, smiling dangerously. "Experience has proven that there is very little that determined boys cannot do. And punch him hard for me. No one should make a woman wait!"

And because at heart Anita was as commonsensical as she was romantic, she added, "Unless there was a horrible accident, or something of the like. Anyway, good luck to you both!"

Lavi raised the bag containing the lunch she had packed for them and waved with it. "Thanks, Ani-jou-chan! We'll get 'im for sure, especially since we've got a princess on our side! And we'll come visit too, on our way home!"

"Ride safely!"

Kanda snorted and slung his leg over his bike, settling comfortably on the familiar leather seat that always felt like it was moulded to fit under his thighs (a thought that Lavi would have popped a blood vessel on hearing). His bike, like his sword and his umbrella, were in a special category of existing belongings. They did not get him into trouble, they got him out of it.

Half the time when he was swinging Mugen or speeding down a road on his bike, it felt like he didn't even really need to control anything; his possessions, like their master, knew what needed to be done and knew how to do it as efficiently as possible. It was a blind faith in inanimate objects, but Lavi wouldn't have called it unhealthy because everyone needed to have faith in _something_, and Kanda was not the religious type.

Something warm pressed against the small of his back, and Kanda flinched. Things had no right being at his back; regardless of the nature of the intention, good or bad, everything should come at him from his front. The container of hot lunch (as he accurately deducted) should be placed on his lap rather than against his tailbone. At least then Kanda could guard against leakages.

Lavi was having a difficult time manhandling his mind out of its jubilant frolic in the gutter, because a flinch is as good as a sultry shudder to a half-blind rabbit-brat. All true recorders of history were almost by _law_ required to be in a semi-permanent state of sexual frustration. Reject the sins of the flesh and whatnot, only philosophy like that was what was making Lavi keenly (_very_ keenly, because he had _some_ skills) aware of the concentrated snarky sexiness that was, Kanda Yuu in black leather. At least priests had God for a reason; all Lavi had to keep his mind pure was a tiny old man telling him that objectivity was his bedfellow now.

And the pleasure of objectivity's company paled in comparison to actual human conversation with an actual attractive human. Gender was inconsequential, because Lavi was taught to be impartial. Which made things more troublesome, but Lavi was groomed to withstand hardship, so he would ignore the Bookman-ically accurate response ("I apologise for suddenly putting a container filled with hot food against your back,") in order to be lewd, rude and _good_.

"Ooh, Yuu-chan, such a phy'scal reaction, 'nd I haven't even gotten in behind you yet!"

An elbow shot out and met his jaw. A bruise, deep, dark and blue bloomed in commemaration of the meeting.

"Don't even joke about untrue unfunny shit like that, idiot."

"You just say that, but our _special_ relationship is like, truer than the sun risin' everyday," Lavi saluted the star, laughed then climbed up behind Kanda.

"Hallucinating idiot."

Lavi blew the waving woman an air kiss as Kanda pulled out onto the road, heading where neat black letters on the back of a napkin instructed them.

* * *

"This is fucking ridiculous."

"Nuh uh, what's fucking ridiculous is how within the distance it takes for sound to get t'your brain 'left' suddenly becomes 'right'. That's some awesome mind power right there, Yuu. Seriously, even you remember you were supposed t'take a left!"

"Shut up. The mistake's already been made, now how do we get out of here?"

Lavi sighed and crossed his arms, resting them on top of the helmet he had removed. "That's another thing. I'm sorry, yeah, if me screaming couldn't get through t'you, but it's totally baffling why you'd decide to chart your own course and ride on merrily. I have a good sense of direction, yes, but sorry, Yuu, I'm not havin' an extra-terrestrial affair with a G.P.S satellite."

Kanda snorted, still staring with furrowed brows at the directions, somehow letting off the feeling that he was annoyed with _Anita_ for not warning him about that treacherous turning. "Shocking. Here I thought you had at least an ex floating somewhere overhead, biding her time until she can drop through the atmosphere onto that freakishly red head of yours."

The redhead carded a hand through his hair and laughed. "Wow, didn't know you thought my hair was _that_ attractive, Yuu-chan!"

There was an almost-cheerful glint in Kanda's eye when he turned to smirk at Lavi. "Bet you'd be even more eye-catching without any hair at all. Bend over and I'll get it off."

The lone green eye widened dramatically, and Kanda began cursing himself internally, because when that eye got that way it meant something had gone horribly horribly wrong. He looked down at himself to make sure there was no wayward piece of... _something_, then looked over his bike to make sure Lavi hadn't secretly snapped something in half, then finally took to studying Lavi with a heavy frown.

"What."

The other boy fanned himself with his hand, despite the cold breeze whipping off the wall and into their faces. The alley was big enough for the bike to be stopped with boys still seating, but was still small enough to allow for maximum rebounding of air. Kanda would have shivered if he was a shivery kind of man.

Which further indicated that Lavi was up to No Good.

"Oh Yuu, your choice of wording would _so_ give me the wrong idea if I didn't have the right one!"

Kanda didn't want to know. Instead he growled and climbed off his bike, looking at the wall and trying to figure out if he would break any bones for kicking it (he estimated his little toe would be a goner with a furious side-kick). Pent-up aggression was unhealthy, so he needed to find an outlet _fast_ to beat the crap out of so that he could go back to being calm (for a given value of calm) and settle the situation. They had a _time limit_ for God's sake, this wasn't a road trip movie about coming-of-age and shit entitled Kanda and Lavi's Mad Awesome Tour!

If anything, it would be called The Show That Will End As A Snuff Film If Either Of These Two Fucking Redheads Don't Get Their Fucking Acts Straight Soon. It probably wouldn't attract many viewers, but frankly, you jerks, Kanda couldn't give a damn.

"We can't be that far off."

"Umm, wow, Yuu, I _never_ knew you were an optimist underneath all that hate of yours!"

Kanda picked up a stray brick, inhaled deeply and then lobbed it at Lavi (who just barely managed to avoid it, nearly toppling off his seat as he dodged).

"Saying shit like that is not helpful. I thought you had a brain in that thick skull of yours; can't you trace us back to the turning or something?"

Lavi crossed his arms and snorted, before hurriedly making sure Kanda wasn't trying to throw something else at his head.

"Me havin' my eye closed in terror when you were racin' that Countach means that no, Yuu, that's not something I can do."

"Your existence is a waste of carbon."

"And you're like, pointlessly pretty. Honestly Yuu, we can spend all day swapping compliments, yeah, but we don't have time for that. It's day three, we're kind'f lost, m'sixth sense is telling me that Cross prob'ly isn't at this main office, and I'm.... Well, I'm hungry, so please take responsibility, Yuu-chan!"

Goddamn. The bastard had used the 'r' word, and no way could Kanda back down now. Even if he was reduced to catching pigeons and skinning them with Mugen before frying them in gasoline siphoned from the tank, Lavi would be fed.

"We need to know where we are. We need to get a map. And you need to shut the fuck up, otherwise I'll shove a dustbin down your throat and you can have that for dinner."

Lavi grinned. "Oh? So I shouldn't tell you about the Japanese restaurant we passed a bit ago and about the newsagents then. Because Yuu-chan, I consider myself daring, yeah, but rotten apricot confit's never been my thing, y'know?"

He ducked to avoid an empty bottle sent flying, but never stopped with the grinning. It was enraging, and Kanda wanted to chop Lavi's arm off and feed it to him.

"Physical violence will be what you'll have gone through after three months of intensive medical treatment if you don't tell me where that restaurant is _without pissing me off_."

Lavi smirked and leaned back to rest his arm on the seat, looking like he owned the bike. Kanda was about to draw his leg back to kick Lavi's lungs in before he was stopped by "Do I get t'pilot this baby?"

Oh no he did'n't.

Kanda nearly burst a blood vessel. "You did not just say that, Lavi. You did not just fucking even _dream_ I'd let you handle my bike. You have fuck-all depth perception and even fucking less sense. I'll tell you what I should do. I should beat you to a bloody pulp and send your body to Cross so that _both_ of you would know better than to mess with me!"

And to top what was quite possible Kanda's longest ever delivery of human speech, his stomach growled.

"Mothe-"

Lavi smothered him with his scarf. "Whoa, Yuu, I don't mind cursing once in a while, yeah, it's a fucking fun thing t'do, but I don't like that one, so keep my ears pristine, please?"

Kanda bit Lavi's fingers through the fabric, chomping with upset vigour.

Lavi yelped and fell back. "Seriously, if I knew all of this would happen because Yuu's underfed, I wouldn't have taken so much of your curry!"

The Japanese breathed out through gritted teeth in a soft hiss; the demands of his digestive system should put a sock in it and listen to the demands of his unflappable nervous system. So maybe he was feeling just a tiny bit light-headed; the curry had been too spicy for his tastes. It didn't mean that it was _his_ fault they were in this predicament. It was _tiring_, fuck you very much, having to think about unfinished course work and his hang out and the deadline and Lavi and the bike.

Kanda was allowed a little leeway; what angered him was that he had needed it.

"Would it make y'feel better if I said I had a license?"

"What for?"

Lavi pouted. "A cat, really, but in case y'haven't noticed I'm tryin' t'make y'feel better here."

Of course Kanda noticed. He doubted it was hard to see how on edge he was from... Well, from everything.

The redhead kept his pout on and tugged on Kanda's arm. "Fine, fine, c'mon, you can get resettled b'tween m'legs, I know that's what you've been wanting, yeah, and we can go. I'll show you where it is, we'll have a nice dinner, then call it a day. Hell, I'll even pay for it."

Kanda punched Lavi in the shoulder for being a pervert, and some of the burning aggression left with the impact on his fist.

What the hell was there to be worried about? They still had two whole days, and a lot could happen in two days. The damned _planet_ could manage two full rotations in that time, and it would be a poor show if he couldn't even find one single bastard who couldn't leave the country.

He climbed onto his seat, ignoring the triumphant sound Lavi made. The engine purred to life, and Kanda took a moment to appreciate just how awesome his mode of transportation was. The hounds of hell couldn't outrun him on this, could they?

Fuck no.

Heh heh heh. Kanda smirked the definition of blood lust, and Lavi feared for his life for a tiny moment. He had been worrying about their chances too, and didn't appreciate how Happy End appeared to be dimming, but if Kanda was smiling like that it had to mean he had some sort of plan!

Lavi snorted.

Yeah, right.

Kanda, the plan man.

More likely than not he had just come up with some excrutiatingly gruesome way to end the life of Cross Marian, and Kanda's carrot was a stick.

But it was a marked improvement over Kanda being murderous in his uncertainty. And the brand of bloody-mindedness Kanda flogged about could only be an asset to a task as difficult as this.

Though the other option was Kanda smirking at the feel of the minute vibrations of the bike, and that was the one that had Lavi smiling in return.

Pretty image in head is _pretty_.

He whistled. "I knew the promise of being spooned with m'awesome self would have y'back to normal!"

He promptly had his kidney dislocated by Kanda's elbow, but hey, the night was young.

* * *

"What's their status?"

Tim frowned, flipping through the pages on his clipboard. "We suspect alive, sir."

He got a face-full of exhaled smole for his efforts (and his lungs were still aching from Lenalee, God). Not bothering to conceal his distaste Tim flapped his hand in front of his face to dispel the the smog, before repeating himself. "We suspect they are alive sir. Other than that, we don't know. They somehow managed to shake us loose earlier today, and neither have used any credit cards in their name for us to track."

"A she-male Jap and a crippled ginger. Seriously. Those bright queers are the ones you couldn't keep track of? For fuck's sake Camp, their gayness can probably be seen from _space_."

Tim has had quite enough, and lowered his head so that the clipboard acted as a shield between his bared canines and the object of his displeasure. "Fine. Then maybe you'd like to stick your head out the window and see if anything catches _your_ eye. After everyone found out what happened to the last guys who were sent to bother the two, no one was willing to take any chance of being beaten senseless. You may enjoy masochism, sir, but it is not, I assure you, a universal feeling."

Cross threw a lighted cigar at him but Tim just swatted it away irritatedly. They both stared motionlessly as the carpet caught the little flame, before Tim decides he would really rather not die with his employer in a burning building; there would be _talk_, and after the trouble Cross has gotten him into in the land of the living, he'll be damned if he has to bring it with him into the Afterlife.

Or not. Cross could make an atheist out of anyone, if only for the hope that this was one redhead one _never_ ran into again. Fading to nothing-ness, Tim is forced to conclude, is much more the attractive option.

"Something stuck up your ass, Campy? I don't remember asking for mouthy men as subordinates."

And Tim couldn't recall ever having asked _any_ deity at _any_ point in time for Satan as a boss, so call it even why don't you?

He has had quite enough. And Allen _had_ said that there would always be a spot for him as legal advisor in the 'Give Kanda Protection' arm of the weird little green rebellion that is turning just a little bit glorious.

He always wanted to be a little adventurous (his mother had said it suited his terrier-like personality; once he got his teeth into something, he would carry through with it till the end), and while the pay was good, this wasn't what he wanted to remember when he was dying. Between Allen and Cross, Tim would choose Allen in a shot, hand over heart.

Cross poured himself another of those disgustingly intoxicating liquors he was so fond of.

He didn't even _offer_ any to Tim.

Right. Tim has had _enough_.

Fuck this. On the day Cross pushes Tim Campy's almost-boundless patience too far, a turncoat is born.

Really, if the two madmen found Cross and managed to embarrass him on national television, Tim can die happy.

"I intend to do everything I can to find them, sir." Never has he been more sincere in doing his job.

Cross smiled with teeth showing, and Tim resists the sudden burning need to take a letter opener to that ridiculous goatee.

"Damn straight."

* * *

A/n: Alternative chapter title is, Anxiety Almost But Not Quite Attacks. That said, sorry for the delay! This was done weeks ago, but a new semester just started, on top of me being, y'know, drop-dead lazy. Anita and Tim get starring roles, Lavi has naughtiness on the mind, Cross is a total bastard, and Kanda goes emo, except, y'know, _not_ :D Checked-over by Tossino (and I changed the bits we had trouble with, hurrah!), and it's longer. The new chapter might take even longer, because I'm a leetle bit stuck.

Oh! And this got nominated for a UFO award! I'm not completely clear on what it's about, but I'm completely delighted to have been nominated even. It's spectacular, fo serious.

I _know_ I'm forgetting to mention something, but ah well. Have fun with the story anyways.

Edit: Corrected, thanks very much to Tossino _again_, and to seiyuurabu. Urgh, sorry you even had to read such careless mistakes!


	8. Call emergency! My soy sauce!

The woods really were pretty at night. The trees were heavy with leaves, and since Allen began organising epic camp-outs to make sure that there were people there at all hours of the day, the tiny controlled campfires reflected off the foliage, glinting red and making things seem a whole lot warmer than they actually were.

Allen could get used to this, and felt a bit like a little lord from his perch on Kanda's resting place. So far a few packs of goons had come along making threatening noises and waving heavy things about, but his people had rallied, and when it came right down to it...

The people who were adamant in protecting this place could make _much_ scarier noises than bloody paid hands. It helped that among the throngs they had no less than three aspiring heavy metal singers, one bona fide cat whisperer, an old man who whistled through his gums when he forgot to put on his dentures, and a vet who took up making the noises of animals in pain as a supplementary hobby to healing wounded creatures. Allen was directing them and even he got the creeps at the impression of a weasel squealing in pain as an a cappella tribute to Black Sabbath was screeched out in the background.

Oh, if Allen did say so himself, they had such a bloody fantastic defence here. Something to be proud of, that.

A dark head appeared on the side of the platform, and for a brief moment Allen thought he should just jump off the side to his death already, because buggering hell Kanda has come back and Kanda did not take kindly to other people. His foot was pressed against the wood, knees bent in preparation for a glorious leap into the great unknown before the face came into view and Allen thanked the Lord for the arrival of the no-less-deadly but lots-more-kind Asian of the two, Lenalee.

Like a respectable gentleman, he held his hand out to pull her up.

Like a respectable lady who was trained in classical dance (and various martial arts), she completely missed the proffered hand and kicked off on a sturdy branch to land lightly in a crouch on the platform. Smiling at Allen, she waved him back into sitting before settling down herself, leaning back to rest some of her weight on her hands.

"Hi Allen!"

Allen was just a little bit scared. "Hello, Lenalee. You well?"

"Smashing."

Certain adjectives should not leave the mouths of certain persons of certain physiques. Allen could hear the sound of his ribs being smashed in a sharp kick (thank you, intense paranoia).

"Delightful." But girls weren't creatures known for physical violence, were they? Allen could take any amount of mental trauma, years of being 'cared for' by Cross having made him completely insensitive to most potentially emotionally scarring things. Unfortunately, he was still a _tiny_ little bit small for his age, and despite vehement protests to the contrary it wouldn't take much effort for Lavi, the gender-confused _thing_ or even Lenalee to... beat him up.

Sore point, that. Hopefully Lenalee never unwittingly proved him right.

She smiled at him. "I got a text a while ago from Lavi. Apparently Kanda had, uh, Kanda's version of an anxiety attack-"

Allen paled (further). "How many people died, Lenalee?" He had to know to come up with a valid reason to justify murder-by-bad-temper. Self-defense? Not very likely. Allen didn't think any thief would be dumb enough to tackle two healthy, strong-looking boys. Especially when one looked like he was two heartbeats away from ending everyone else's (heartbeat).

Wait, wait... Regardless of his terrifying and terrible nature, Kanda _could_ be mistaken for a girl, couldn't he? From a great distance away, when you couldn't hear him speak and see him scowl, but maybe, uh, there was one _really_ short-sighted teenager who was high on something and tried to... get it on? Was that the term? With Kanda, and thereby lost his life.

Poor Timothy, thought Allen. Somehow, this phantom assaulter in his mind was called Timothy, silly and mouthy and _dead_ after running into Kanda.

That's fine then, thought Allen. If half a minute's furious thinking could yield such a clever story, all he needed was a half hour and eye drops to convince everyone that it was self-defense, _really_, ah, ignore how the corpse is a tiny bit mutilated, and yes, that is a decapitated arm bleeding from that windowsill, but you shouldn't think too badly of Kanda because of it.

Someone was shaking his shoulder.

Allen snapped out of his needless scheming, blinking a few times to renew his tenuous grasp on sanity. "Lena-?"

The Chinese girl pouted. "Listen until the end before you start coming up with scenarios, please. Lavi's with Kanda, and I think you're being a bit dramatic. Kanda wouldn't actually kill anyone!"

Neither Allen nor Lenalee have known Kanda for very long, so _theoretically_ they should have roughly the same grasp on his personality.

They obviously didn't, though. While Lenalee obviously believed that under that cold exterior lay a delicate Japanese doll who was fragile and pretty, Allen knew incarnations of pure apathy when he saw them (he had the incarnation of PURE EVIL as a guardian, so there was some sort of relationship going on there). Allen would not be surprised by any measure of violence from Kanda, who acted the way other people occasionally wished they had balls enough to.

He started to nod patronisingly, then remembered that it probably wasn't the most polite of things, to patronise friends, before settling on a disbelieving smile. "If you say so, Lenalee. At least you've known Kanda for a little while longer than I've known him. Perhaps his, ah, softer side comes out after a while?"

The girl looked surprised. "I don't think Kanda has anyone's definition of a soft side. I just don't think he's actually _practically _murderous. Especially not when he's trying to get a job done. Think about it, Allen, Lavi's probably driving poor Kanda out of his mind, so he probably just want wants to beat up your father and come home."

"_Adoptive father_, Lenalee. My chromosomes did shriek a little in horror when you associated them with him. And Kanda's temper is short, isn't it? I have stared at a razor then at Cross' neck longingly; it doesn't seem to me to be impossible to imagine Kanda taking that last step."

Lenalee was gravitated to just _one_ aspect of what Allen had said. "A razor, Allen?" She looked at his baby-face sceptically, and this time just his Y-chromosome shrieked in despair.

"He... likes to keep a goatee but cannot be bothered to spruce up himself, the lazy _bastard_. And the only way he would pay for my piano lessons was if I acted as his barber." The only measure of revenge Allen had been able to convince himself to do was slapping the aftershave on particularly hard, and using a brand that stung a lot more than usual (though that may have had something to do with him adding a generous amount of vinegar to it, after assuring Cross that it was the scent of dignified male.)

"What's the relationship between playing the piano and making a good barber?"

Allen shrugged, anxious to move away from one of many traumatic memories, but hesitant to hustle the conversation along. "My fingers supposedly learned finesse. Now, may we please stop talking about my prior history of shaving my guardian and return to Kanda throwing a fit?"

Because Kanda throwing a fit would've been a sight to behold, no doubt about it. Brutality of the highest level; the boy knew he shouldn't be delighted at the thought of Kanda wreaking havoc, but something deep inside was perhaps just a little bit blood-thirsty.

Lenalee clapped her hands in recollection. "Oh, right! They're having dinner now; Lavi said that Kanda came pretty close to snapping. Lavi set him back on track, but he's a little worried himself." She pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. "He said he'll call later to tell me the whole story. I'm hoping there might be something they missed, but honestly, Allen?" She gave him a sad look, "It's not looking too hopeful for them."

"I did say he was bloody good at disappearing." Allen sighed. "It would help very, very much if we had an informant of some sort, but no such luck there-"

Two phones began ringing suddenly.

Lenalee noted amusedly as she hurried to answer her own phone that Allen's appeared to be playing "God Save the Queen."

* * *

"Lenaleeeeeeeeeeeeee, how's it been hangin' without me? Dull, yeah, it's utterly dull, right? Stuck with just the little sprout while the concentrated bits of awesome that _is_ me 'nd my bod are off on a trip. Y'must hate Kanda for being such a lucky boy, huh?"

Lavi grabbed the chopsticks out of Kanda's hand before it could be used to puncture a hole through his throat, waving them in Kanda's face. _Naughty, naughty._

Kanda could feel a migraine start up, and grabbed the bottle of soy sauce with a look of deep concentration. On one hand, he liked his soy sauce. It was black, no-nonsense, and tasted good without comprising his need to be simple.

On the other hand, the bottle it was in was made of glass, and if he hit Lavi hard enough with it, it could shatter and hopefully kill Lavi.

Totally worth it, he decided, absolutely so. Carefully moving his bowl of soba to the side, Kanda drew his hand back, bottle firmly in his grip. Destruction of private property has never felt so good (and Kanda has had a lot of experience in that field. Trust him.)

Lavi saw black death coming for him, sloshing in a glass bottle, and clamped the phone to his ear with his shoulder, leaving both hands free for a quick defense.

(He covered his face with them. It'd be hard to be charming and disarming with a face full of glass shards, yeah?)

"Yuu, if y'do that, people'll think you were brought up badly!"

Kanda halted immediately. The very _thought_ of the memory of his father and the ability of his mother being questioned was so offensive he had a look of utter distaste on his face even before he had settled back into his seat, grumpily pulling the soba back to him.

"Bastard. You were raised by _wolves_."

Or. Rabid cattle? English expressions quite eluded Kanda sometimes. Being raised by wolves didn't seem like much of an insult; wolves were noble, capable, responsible, and able to work in teams seamlessly.

If Lavi was raised in a wolf pack as one of their own, Kanda had no doubt his furry brothers and sisters would soon indulge in a spot of cannibalism (the fur goes flying).

Lavi took a bow. "I howl t'get my point across, yeah. Now sit still 'nd be a polite little boy, Yuu, I'm talking to a _lady_.

Lavi was pushing his luck, he _knew_ he was, but. A bristling Kanda was worth two non-murderous ones. It looked like Kanda was willing his hair to whip up and choke Lavi, and such is the power of Kanda's aura that-

Oh hey, is it just me or did that ponytail levitate a couple of inches?

Lavi went back to his call, eyeing the hair suspiciously. "Ah, sorry f'the interruption, Lena. Yuu's bein' grumpy again."

Kanda started on his soba with a look of malice at Lavi. Slurpslurpslurp, except not really because Kanda does not make inappropriate sounds while eating. Lavi can't concentrate much on Lenalee, because Kanda kept making him want to fall off his chair and laugh himself sick.

So Lavi turned to look outside; it's properly dark now, orange streetlights making the world a funny shade. The glass was pretty reflective, and if he made an effort he could easily make Kanda out, but that would've defeated the purpose. Instead he concentrated on his own reflection, and started making funny faces as Lenalee updated him on the lack of updates.

"We're not doing much better, Lena. Yuu got us pretty epicly lost, so just about th'best thing I can say for us right now is that if Cross had set people t'follow us, well. They could be in Chile, f'all I know."

Lenalee's voice was tinny, and she sounded even younger. To some degree, Lavi could understand why her brother seemed so intent on protecting her virtue; the girl was cute as a button.

"That's something good, at least. We all still have time, so there's no point in being too worried. It's a small world!"

Then the unthinkable happened.

Kanda's phone _rang_. While Lavi was on the phone _to_ _someone else._

Of course this latest development is the most important thing that has happened today, so Lenalee was updated accordingly.

"Oh my _god_ Lena, something's happened that y'wouldn't even _believe._"

Lenalee tried being an infidel before hazarding a guess. "Umm... Turns out Cross thought going deep _deep_ undercover's the best thing to do and he's working as a waiter at the restaurant you boys are in and Kanda has just knocked him out by breaking six pairs of chopsticks over his head?"

Lavi took a moment to digest the depths of Lenalee's disbelief. He whistled in appreciation.

"Whoa, Lena, I do believe y'wouldn't believe me if I said that. Now I feel like 'm letting y'down when I tell you that, while 'm talking to you now, _Kanda got a phone call._"

Lenalee, bless her heart, managed to muster a convincing expression of surprise, but on the other end of the line she was smiling so wide it hurt her cheeks. Lavi was good company whatever way you got him. "Oh my gosh! Do you think it might be his dad, or something? Hope it's nothing serious, Lavi."

It had not actually occurred to Lavi prior to Lenalee mentioning it that the call could be due to some serious family issues, which embarrassed him quite completely, which had him spinning on his seat to face Kanda and study his face for distress or, more likely, fury.

Check on that fury. Kanda's nostrils were flaring like the jeans of a hippie, and the look of outrage on his face frightened the waiter looking after their table into speeding away, muttering to himself in Tagalog about the demon-boy with the demon eyes (he's a University student, the waiter, this is his part-time job, he's studying for a degree in Chemical Engineering and speaks hopelessly fluent English, except for when he's flustered. Then it's viva la Philippines).

Kanda is otherwise occupied. "Who gave you my number."

"Pssst, Lena," Lavi was doing a live coverage of events. "Don't think it's his dad; Yuu seems t'think the caller shouldn't have his number, and I don't think he's that unkind t'Tiedoll. Mystery caller is mysterious!"

"You sure he's alright with you eavesdropping, Lavi?"

He shrugged. "Oh, Lena, as if that'd stop me! 'nd what about you? If y'think eavesdropping is utterly _evil_, yeah, I totally dare you t'hang up on me!"

"And miss your kindof obsessive report on Kanda? Lavi, you should know me better." Lenalee chided, as she herself made a big effort to hear Kanda's voice through the line, happy to ignore Lavi's indistinct sounds of mock horror. "Now be a good boy and tell me what's going on, or I promise I shall hang up on you and... make out with Allen, or something."

Lavi laughed before remembering the etiquette of two people out for a meal (and both suddenly becoming involved in separate telephone conversations simultaneously) and brought it down to a worrying choking sound. "How could y'possibly cheat on me like that, Lena? Y'know what, I have half a mind t'hang up on _you_ and make out with Kanda, or something."

"Mmm, mmhmm," she replied disinterestedly. "Go and do that then, Lavi, right after we find out who it is who's on the phone to Kanda... I don't think even _I_ have his number, now that I think about it."

"Lena, babe, I pretty much had t'assault the boy t'get his number. Whoever's talking must be like, immediate family more immediate than something that's full 'f immediacy, or it's a serial killer with a thing for him." His ear was pricked, though, trying to catch the conversation. For now it seemed the mysterious caller was intent on keeping himself most mysterious, because Kanda was nodding tersely to whatever was being said without divulging any juicy information.

"Ey, maybe it's something t'do with the yakuza, or what. Yuu's looking fabulous in his leather jacket 'nd his serious expression, 'nd he's not saying anything-"

The abrupt halt was because of Lavi grabbing the table to stop from toppling over after Kanda tried to kick his chair out from under him (and very nearly succeeding). Yuu was looking fabulous in his leather jacket and his satisfied smirk then, as he growled further possibly-affirmative responses down the line. Lavi pouted at him, but that didn't last long. He was grinning with amusement by the time he'd gotten comfortable on the chair again.

"-vi? Laaaaaaaaaaavi?"

"Right here in y'ear, Lena. Yuu was just feeling lonely not being included in this gorgey conversation we're having, yeah? Just lashing out. He's at that delicate age, y'know."

Lenalee giggled. "When he thinks being alone with his motorbike and wearing black is cool?"

"Mmm, that exactly, except, yeah... It _is_ cool when he does it, don't y'think?"

They both agreed that this was one of those facts that you might not be fond of, but was still completely inescapable.

But mutual agreement hadn't really solved their primary problem of trying to find out who it was that was speaking to Kanda and what it was they were talking about. If Lavi had an extra hour and his kit, listening in on the call would've been easier (and probably more ethical, being best friends and all) than stealing candy for a baby. He didn't mention it though, because just like Lenalee trying to share the pain of menstrual cramps, that would be too much information.

"Hey, d'you think it'd be worth the effort t'tackle Yuu to the ground 'nd grab the phone from him and just carry on with the conversation in m'best Kanda impersonation? I'll make sure t'stub my toe really hard so that I get into that grumpy state of mind we all know 'nd fear!"

Kanda's already fraying temper snapped. Did no one else appreciate the need for silence during a meal? Lavi had started the mess by making himself known to Kanda first, and accepting a call while they ate second. He hadn't even finished eating, a small voice in his head was insisting they were too busy to bother with this crisis, food is the way forward, and the tiny whining in his ear was stomping on what little goodwill he had for the Universe to begin with.

The best way to deal with the problem was right at its source.

He threw his phone to Lavi, with complete disregard for the person on the other side, and Lenalee who was on the other side of Lavi's phone. Without bothering to see if Lavi caught his phone, Kanda started back on his soba, fully determined for he, at least, to be quiet if no one else was going to respect dinner.

Lavi wasn't a chameleon, he couldn't make each eye concentrate on different things, nor was he some sort of aural equivalent of the good-tempered reptile. It was impossible to keep two conversations going on at once, one at each ear, so he cheerfully gave up and made it into a conference call.

"Ey, Lenalee, Yuu just nicely asked me t'carry on th'conversation with his mystery lad, so you're at my right ear and Yuu's phone's at my left. Lemme be th'medium if you have any questions, yeah?"

"Lavi, what _are_ you on about?"

Realisation dawned, and Lavi shot a look of pure admiration for Kanda's poker face.

"Bloody hell, Allen, how did y'get this number?"

"Allen's the man Kanda'd been talking about? But he's right here! Alle-"

"-n! Sorry Lavi, that was Lenalee. God, but don't you think this is going quite mad?"

Lavi had to agree. Just now he had had the distinct feeling of Lenalee running from one side of his head through to the other, and trampled on his brain in the process. He was tempted to chalk up the mild hallucination to hunger, but he was the glutton who had finished two huge servings of curry himself just a few hours earlier, and he was also the glutton who's just eaten his way through a sukiyaki meant for two. He patted his belly absently; _maybe being full makes me a bit slow._

"Oi, both of you be nice t'your big brother Lavi, 'nd just share one phone, yeah? If y'give me a headache I might be even worse than Yuu."

Three people snorted in tandem, and Lavi glared at Kanda without any real anger. "Now, what is it that y'called Yuu for, Allie?"

He could hear Lenalee cheering Allen on, and spared a moment to study Kanda's behaviour. After what _had_ to count as a nervous attack earlier, Kanda looked much too calm to be normal. Almost as if everything's already resolved, and not that they're running out of money and ideas. How suspicious. He sniffed in the general direction of Kanda's bowl of soba, and tried to figure out if any recreational drugs had found their way into it.

He nearly missed Allen beginning to talk.

"Lavi, Tim just called me. He's informed me that like me he can no longer stand Cross His Royal Prick-ness, and he's joining our cause. Something about alcohol tipping the scale, though I think if I was drunk and Cross was drunk and I snapped it certainly would be a whole lot bloodier than just double-crossing. I'm thinking, pools of blood-"

Lavi didn't need gore and a full introduction to the inner deprived depths of one Walker, Allen. Not after a heavy meal, at least, so he cut the boy off. "'nd I can see th'entrails in your eyes, my boy. Go easy on th'murder, I've just eaten, yeah? What'd our campy, campy man say?"

Allen's response was a little hard to hear, because Lenalee had become quite bored of sharing a tiny mobile phone and had become quite excited at the prospect of Tim being a turncoat that could win this for them. She muttered a quick "You boys talk on, I'll grill Allen later. There's morale to boost!"

Which was her cue to grab Allen's loudspeaker, the one that he seemed to treat like a beloved third arm, and jump off the wooden platform that served as the headquarters for a tiny crusade for personal pleasure gone national.

Before Allen spoke up again, Lavi distinctly heard a gentle, womanly voice exclaiming lustily something along the lines of Our Time Has Come, Justice Will Be Served, And Speaking of Serving Jery's Now Selling Sorbets, Thank You For Your Attention~!

He couldn't help but laugh, and stuck his tongue out when Kanda gave him a funny look. Then it was his turn to return the favour, staring in surprised when Kanda just shrugged it off and returned to his meal, not even an aura of malice to frighten Lavi with.

_Yeah, it's got t'be morphine in the soba. I totally can smell it._

A thought which made him regret choosing the tame and very legal sukiyaki.

_Back to Allen_, he told his attention. This was a potential case-solver!

Allen coughed politely, and shifted so that his back was to Lenalee and her legion of followers. He wanted to be able to hear what Lavi said, sorry.

"Yes, Lavi. Cross has Kanda's details on file, and Tim thought it'd be safer to call me and get me to call Kanda instead of him calling Kanda directly. Being bugged, something of the like. He gave me Cross' location, but the thing is, Cross will only be there until early tomorrow. Apparently he's decided now's a fitting time for a vacation, and is going Lord only knows where. Tim tried to discreetly get it out of him, but Tim was also trying not to set the office on fire because of the drinking thing, so he was distracted, poor sod. Cross' personal lady assistant, a woman called Maria something-or-other has his whole schedule, but TIm's not too fond of the idea of asking her. She's a big Cross fan. Maybe because Cross fancies her, I suspect, but what do I know?" How quickly a serious discussion can deteriorate into gossiping. Lavi barely restrained himself from asking what this Maria woman looked like, because if Anita is anything to go by Mary Cross has pretty discerning taste for his lesbian self. Ahem.

Lavi put the elbow on the table, pushing Kanda's phone closer to his ear while hanging up on Lenalee (who was Otherwise Occupied). Depending on where Cross was, they _might_ be able to settle the whole thing tonight itself, but events this spectacular tend not to be resolved so easily. Which Lavi guiltily preferred, because, really. This was his first outing with a friend.

He felt vaguely embarrassed thinking that, and started counting the number of bamboo slats on the partition of the wall next to him. If he looked at Kanda now, he would be tempted to ask for a fist pump. Or call him bro, or something.

"So, Allie. Let it rip, where's Cross at? Looks like we've got t'get him quick, or we'll be in trouble, yeah?" Because if this Maria woman was arranging all of Cross' travels with her account or a corporate account of some sort, good ol' Alis probably wouldn't be able to track it. And that was Lavi's highest hope for finding Cross. Plan B wasn't much of an option.

Plan B being he and Kanda would amuse karma enough to let them trip over Cross in some scene right out of a slapstick comedy sketch so terribly, terribly done it was frightening. Custard pies would probably be involved. And Plan B didn't look hot from the start, because Lavi believed in fate about as much as a modern man would believe in a giant scarab beetle pushing the sun up into the sky.

Which possibly meant that on top of everything else that's gone wrong, he's also offended Egyptian holiness. Hell to the yeah.

And Allen told him, and Lavi paled so badly even Kanda looked slightly perturbed, slowing his already slow pace of eating to glare-stare on.

"_Damn_. Allie, that's bloody far away, yeah? Like. Very bloody far away. Like, hours 'nd hours 'nd hours away. Like, by the time we get to where Cross is, _if_ we get to where Cross is, th'most opposition we could put up against that bad-tempered, irritatingly tall adult man would be to slump at his feet in a heap 'nd hope we give him blisters." Lavi's jaw hung loose in despair.

Kanda knocked Lavi's elbow off the table in one swift, unexpected punch, and Lavi's jaw was shut effectively by the tabletop. The _click_ of teeth hitting teeth made a few other patrons of the restaurant stop in their own pursuit of a pleasant meal to stare, but Lavi seemed to have been struck dumb and Kanda seemed more than willing to do the same thing again to anyone who even looked like they were going to be a nuisance.

Since Kanda's expression seemed to say that even people who were using their chopsticks wrong would be brutally persecuted, everyone returned to doing what they were doing before but with additional forced merriment. The owner of the restaurant cursed like a jolly madman when the shock made him drop a teacup on his slippered foot.

Lavi's eye did the questioning for him; no other body part seemed capable.

Kanda took pity on the wild-haired idiot. He was finally done with his meal, and while it wasn't as good as what Jery could whip up at home sweet home, it was more than adequate. They've been travelling furiously for two full days now, speeding past on the wrong side of the law (Kanda does not expect to be a bad example for kids, because Kanda refuses to be an example for anyone. He does wear his helmet though) and pretending heartily not to notice what the oil consumption of an attractive beast of a bike would do to Tiedoll's credit card.

From what he could estimate, they were in a pretty central position. Heading where Anita had given them directions to was a decision he would still stand by; something about relationships made people exceedingly stupid, so he would not have been surprised had they gone through the glass doors of some generic building and found Cross chopping down tiny tabletop ornamental bonsai trees of his employees for his own Zen.

Caught with his pants down, sort of, kind of.

So Kanda did not need Lavi, of all fools, to despair. There was something strangely encouraging about a person who did not think defeat was possible.

Kanda didn't think defeat was _acceptable_, and that was a big, abstract difference between he and Lavi.

At least, that's how it would appear. Lavi gave Kanda the impression of not being all there... Or, no, more like of being _too much _there. Like he would observe what was happening, and react in what way was deemed most suitable.

Like the breed of politician destined for success, if not heaven.

_Whatever. It's not important._

Not right now, at least. "Don't decide what's 'too far', idiot. He hasn't left the country, has he?"

Lavi nodded dumbly, and Allen decided to give up on trying to understand what was happening by interpreting rustles and thumps, and instead paid full attention to what Kanda was saying. It seemed important. When Kanda speaks to Lavi somehow it always seemed at least a little important.

When Kanda speaks to Allen it always seemed at least a little abusive. Allen would have called a police station and declare it a hate crime, but Lavi's a white boy too.

"Then it's not too far," Kanda stated, calm, cool and completely convinced. They were in the prime of their youth, for fuck's sake. If a sleepless night and aching bottoms would get them closer to Cross, then Kanda is all for straddling his attractive beast of a bike for however long it was necessary. Kanda couldn't see how Lavi could disagree to straddling his attractive beast too.

Sense finally returned to Lavi after extended leave. "But we have t'get there by tomorrow morning! 'nd it's _hundreds_ 'f miles away!" They had _no_ daylight left, they would be on the road in the dark with Lavi's vague idea of the location and Kanda's belligerent sense of misdirection, and, and...

They both knew Kanda was not a night person. Kanda slept with a hot water bottle at his feet and affected a raspy dry cough before going to bed at ten every night, complaining about aching bones and young people, before waking up at the crack of dawn every morning, with dire disregard for seasons.

Basically, Kanda was the epitome of all that was sexy and dangerous in the day, but come night, he traded in his leather jacket and wind-blown hair for the personality of a 80-year-old cranky grandfather with a fake hip.

Only there were no words to express this with that would have let Lavi keep his life.

And there were no words that Kanda would allow from Lavi. "If you're being defeatist, I'm stabbing you, " he said, frowning heavily.

Lavi could feel a slightly predatory grin grow on his lips. "Never, Yuu!"

Oh, this is going to be _fun._

_

* * *

_

TBC.

"T'th'bat mobile, Yuu!"

Hey babes! I know this is… most of a year late, terribly sorry, but it certainly doesn't mean that I'd forgotten about it! EF's going on still, very slowly because school is kindof violently difficult, Still, though. It was incredibly heartening to get PMs and reviews being so encouraging when I totally deserve your rage :) Thanks, yeah? And may the next chapter come out faster!

... Though I've not been in the mood to be environmentally friendly for quite a while ;A;


End file.
